Reducing Inner-Critic’s Influence

Reducing self-criticism is a subject that has accompanied me for more than twenty-five years. From the moment I understood how strongly it directed my own life, and how greatly it limited the people I met along my path, I knew this was an area that required deep and systematic observation. The more I entered into it, the more I discovered an immense world of learning, healing, and transformation.

It is a topic that radiates into every possible domain of life: intimate and family relationships, our relationship with ourselves, the ability to express our creativity, self-realization, mental flexibility, dealing with problems, inner joy, and the experience of fulfillment. There is almost no field in which the presence of excessive self-criticism is not apparent.

The important message is that we allow it to operate, even if unconsciously. There is a hidden choice here, a silent agreement that grants this voice its power. From the moment a person begins to recognize that this is a problem, that it is an unnecessary limitation, a new journey opens. The very act of understanding is already the first step on the path to change.

Initial Familiarity with the Critic

This journey begins with getting to know our excessive self-criticism as closely as possible. We will want to ask: Who is this inner voice that speaks within me?

Although it is our own internal creation, it is often experienced as an alien entity, a foreign force that dictates instructions, limitations, and prohibitions. The more deeply we know it, the more we can develop strategies for dealing with it: to reduce it, to bypass it, even to “outsmart” it.

Awareness is the cornerstone. Without seeing this voice, without knowing it is there, we remain its captives. But the moment we begin to notice it, freedom becomes possible.

Three Main Points of Appearance

Excessive self-criticism appears in three different stages of our lives:

Before the action – it whispers to us in advance that we will not succeed, narrows our courage, and creates hesitation, doubt, and fear. At times it prevents us from trying at all.
During the action – it accompanies every step, like an internal observer who does not permit mistakes. It restricts flexibility and creativity, threatens from within every attempt to innovate, and cultivates anxiety about errors.
After the action – it erupts as self-flagellation: Why did I do that? Why not otherwise? How does someone else do it better than me? The feeling is of continuous lack of worth.
Life under its rule resembles a closed circle: fear of the future, pressure in the present, guilt from the past.

The Thought Notebook

At the beginning of my path I chose to carry a small notebook. Every time a critical thought arose, I hurried to write it down. Thus a long list of inner messages accumulated before me: “I’m not okay,” “I won’t succeed,” “I made a mistake.”

This simple exercise turns the invisible into visible. Instead of the voices operating in darkness, they are spread out on the page and lose their power. Today, in the cellular era, one can do it through an app, but the principle remains the same: to notice, to record, and to understand how present this voice truly is.

I recommend that you, right here, at the beginning of the path or later on, do this simple exercise with a notebook and pen (and not through updates on your cellphone) for a week or two, merely to gain an impression of what circulates in your mind, and even more, to sense the special experience that occurs when you transform the quick thoughts, especially the negative ones, into something tangible, written, recorded.

This can be the beginning of your way to lessen the influence of self-criticism upon you, which, as will be described here many times, is a form of tyrannical control, one whose influence must be reduced as much as possible.

The Sources of the Critic

It is important to understand that criticism does not appear out of nowhere. It is cultivated within families, educational systems, workplaces, and an entire culture. From an early age we learn to scold ourselves, to be doubtful of our abilities, to take failures “too seriously.”

Sometimes it is wrapped in humor: “I’m such an idiot,” “I have two left hands.” But even when said in jest, it feeds the same mechanism. Thus a quiet addiction to self-criticism develops, until it becomes a way of life, one we hardly imagine could be otherwise.

The Way Out – Compassion, Humor, and Freedom

The first step is to recognize that this voice is not an absolute truth. It is a product of personal and collective fears—our fears, our parents’ fears, the fears of the society around us. It is the product of a lack of love and of education that did not encourage free expression.

To transform it, we must develop new tools, which we will encounter along the way:

• Awareness, awareness, and more awareness. This is the center of the process here. To know, to recognize, to identify, to discover, and to explore excessive self-criticism is the main tool for changing its level of influence within us, to grasp how exaggerated, unnecessary, and excessive it truly is.
• Boundaries. Excessive criticism, as will be explained many times here, creates kinds of needless and harmful “self-attacks.” In the face of self-attacks, as with any attack, we must first set a boundary: say “That’s enough!” Refuse to cooperate or even to believe the messages of the exaggerated critic.
• Patience. Do not expect immediate change, but give time for practice. Impatience serves the excessive self-criticism and delays the ability to bring change within it.
• Humor. To laugh a little at the inner voice that tries to intimidate us, thereby weakening its power. When we smile with humor toward the criticism, it has far less ability to affect us.
• To decide that we are going to change the internal order of things. The decision within you to reduce excessive self-criticism, even if it is not yet clear how, will echo throughout the journey and become internal support in a challenging process toward very meaningful change.
• To play, to create, to invent, to change, to go on adventures, to challenge what exists. Excessive criticism produces over-seriousness that loses its grip when faced with play, dynamics of change, spontaneity, creativity, and surprises.

With every step of awareness, the possibility expands to live with less self-criticism, less self-blame, less doubt. We will elaborate on this much further along the way.

Embarking on the Journey

This journey requires months and even years of listening, practice, and observation. Every time a negative thought arises, do not grant it automatic legitimacy, but recognize it as the voice of exaggerated criticism. Say to yourself: “That’s not me; that’s my excessive critic trying to belittle me. I don’t have to cooperate with it.”

The moment we recognize, it expands our freedom. And the moment freedom expands, we discover new treasures: joy, expression, creativity, self-love.

This journey has already begun, and you are going to be its main director.

Exercise 1: “Maybe It’s Time to Make a Change in…”

Excessive self-criticism “hates” changes. It dislikes having its familiar routine shaken or its illusion of what is and what will be disturbed.

Unlike many psycho-creative exercises in which we focus on twelve sentences, here we will start our journey with something larger.

So your exercise here, in Chapter 1, the beginning of the journey, is to write at least twelve sentences that begin with the words “Maybe it’s time to make a change in…”

If you can write more, that’s even better, we’ll take it up to a maximum of fifty. The more, the better, because the excessive self-criticism becomes more confused, and that is exactly what we want.

Chapter 2: Excessive Self-Criticism Creates a Repeated Experience of Dissatisfaction

“I’m not satisfied with myself.”

A short, simple, familiar sentence, and perhaps one of the most common sentences humanity tells itself. If you look around, you will notice how many people live with this sentence on a daily basis. Sometimes it is said aloud; more often it passes quietly through the mind. It seems to have become normal, an inseparable part of human consciousness.

But beneath the surface lies a much broader phenomenon: excessive self-criticism. Not just a passing thought, but a deep, recurring pattern that penetrates every area of life. It is present in our emotions, thoughts, experiences, memories of the past, expectations of the future, in our capacity to love, to create, to take initiative, to cope with mistakes, and even in our most secret dreams. This criticism creates a continuous experience of self-dissatisfaction, an experience that can accompany us for decades, almost without our realizing its full intensity.

Why “Excessive”?
The first question is why I do not settle for the word criticism and add to it the adjective excessive. The reason is twofold.

First, because it truly is excessive.

And second, because it always works against us. It is not the kind of criticism that invites constructive correction, but an inner voice that narrows us, diminishes us, and robs us of joy, expression, freedom, and trust in ourselves.

It takes from us the ability to try, to realize ideas, to express our unique voice. It erodes self-image and confidence, makes it difficult to love and be loved, prevents healing from emotional or behavioral addictions, and blocks the ability to grow.

The uniqueness of this kind of criticism lies in the absolute feeling it creates, “I am not okay.” Not as a temporary reflection, but as an unquestionable truth.

The Inner Court
To understand this experience, imagine entering a courtroom in which you are the accused. The trial moves at dizzying speed: you have no lawyer, no time to explain or defend yourself, no fair judge who listens to both sides. Within moments, the verdict is reached, guilty on all counts. And just as quickly, the sentence is pronounced: a heavy emotional punishment in the form of an absolute feeling of “I am not okay,” sometimes even “I am seriously not okay.”

This is an accurate image of how excessive self-criticism operates. It grants us no right of appeal. It dictates a harsh judgment that produces paralysis. In one instant, all flexibility, optimism, and vitality vanish, leaving only a single inner voice, the voice of blame.

Inner Tyranny
In this sense, excessive self-criticism functions as a form of inner tyranny. It is invisible from the outside, but its rule is entirely despotic. It decides how we will feel, how we will think, and which emotions we are “allowed” to feel. When it operates, there is no room for self-compassion, for simple joy, or for the ability to flow with mistakes. It erases the possibility of feeling lightness or viewing life from a creative space.

That is why it is so important to recognize it as excessive. Because if we believe it, if we assume it is the voice of reason, we will never change anything. When tyranny is not recognized as tyranny, when the acts of the tyrant are considered “reasonable” and “logical” (as happens so often), we remain under its rule and never attain the legitimate freedom that this tyranny denies us.

Between Reasonable and Excessive
Part of the sophistication of excessive self-criticism lies in how “reasonable” it sounds. Many of us accept its speech as objective truth: “It really isn’t okay that I didn’t do this or that.” The voice uses sharp, absolute, uncompromising language, and that is how it convinces us.

But here lies the trap: the moment we relate to it as truth, we tend to surrender to it, to cooperate with it, and to allow it to color our entire reality. It narrows our vision, reduces our aspirations, distances us from new experiences, and cultivates growing pessimism. It even makes it difficult for us to love ourselves truly and to express our inner creativity.

Initial Observation
From here our journey begins. I invite you right now to notice the next moment when you feel dissatisfaction with yourself. Perhaps it will happen within minutes; perhaps within an hour.

When that moment comes, try to stop. Listen to the words echoing in your head: what is the criticism telling you? What exactly is it attacking?

• Does it tell you that you failed to do something you “should have”?
• Does it refer to something you did “wrong”?
• Does it arise from someone else’s reaction — maybe from worry, tension, or disappointment?

Pay attention not only to the words, but also to the feeling. Can you recognize the part within you that believes this voice, that accepts its authority? Can you notice how the whole drama is disproportionate?

At first it may be difficult. You may not manage to stop in time or to identify the exact words, and that’s fine. The very effort to observe is already part of the practice.

Setting the Goal
Our goal is clear: to recognize that this criticism is excessive. To understand that it works against us. To begin to see how it seeps into every field — feelings, thoughts, dreams, relationships — and to choose no longer to cooperate with it.

The moment you begin to notice it, a new inner space will open — a space in which there is a courageous possibility to change your relationship with yourself.

Because you can. You truly can.

Exercise 2: The Adventurous Me
Excessive self-criticism does not like adventures. It dislikes changes, dislikes risks, dislikes uncertainty.

Answer the following questions:

• Look within yourself for the adventurous me, in the past, in the present (and perhaps in the future as well?).
• What sweet, exciting, or funny adventures can you recall now — each described in two or three lines?
• In what subject or area do you currently have a relatively high degree of adventurousness?
• What kind of adventurousness would you like to grow in your life — in the near future and the distant one?
• What is the most thrilling adventurous dream you can connect to right now, and describe it in writing in a few lines?

Chapter 3: The Many Faces of Excessive Self-Criticism

The first stage in our journey is acquaintance. A close, intimate, almost detective-like acquaintance with our excessive self-criticism. This is a process with no real end. The criticism will always be there, to one degree or another. It is present in culture, crossing borders and continents, as if it were a planetary energy circulating among human beings. It resides in our thoughts and accompanies us at every step.

Yet although we cannot dismantle it entirely from the human psyche, at least not in the foreseeable future, we can certainly reduce it significantly. And every such reduction opens new gateways before us: to inner freedom, to creation, to healing, to growth.

Every process of change, every attempt to develop and improve, also contains the need to dismantle the envelopes of self-criticism surrounding it.

Looking from the side
Although it is part of us, we are sometimes able to step aside and observe it. To observe not from judgment but from compassion, recognition, and curiosity. Almost like Sherlock Holmes waiting for the moment he can say: “Got you!”

That moment is very important, because one reason the criticism affects us so much is our lack of awareness of it. When we do not recognize it, we tend to believe it. If it says, “This will not succeed,” our inner feeling is that it really will not succeed. If it whispers, “You’re not okay,” we immediately feel not okay.

But if we can from time to time identify it and say: “Hey, this is just excessive self-criticism. It isn’t real, it’s too sweeping, too negative, too sharp,” we have already taken a significant step. The very separation between the voice and our true identity diminishes its power.

The inner chameleon
One of the main tools of self-criticism is the multiplicity of its forms. It is like a chameleon, changing colors and shapes, appearing by surprise, always with the same message: a constricting message.

It can show up as a wave of pessimism, as a depressive mood, as excessive anxiety, or as heavy guilt over a marginal event. It can latch onto a small failure and paint it in the colors of a personal disaster.

At times it sounds remarkably logical: “It’s too dangerous, too big, too expensive, a waste of time.” The disguise of logic is one of the most dangerous, because it convinces us to give up our dreams without protest.

Behind all these forms hides the same mechanism: fear. Fear of growth, fear of freedom, fear of a true encounter with pain. All the fears band together and translate themselves into voices of excessive self-criticism that seek to distance us from standing courageously before our challenges.

A problem within a problem
At times we are dealing with a real difficulty, a blockage at work, a personal conflict, a dream that is not materializing, yet we fail to notice that the real problem grows several fold because of the envelope of self-criticism around it. We are not only dealing with the difficulty, but are also scolded from within for the very fact that we have a difficulty.

Thus a burdensome duplication is created: the objective problem itself, and the heavy shadow of the criticism that accompanies it. If we learn to reduce the criticism, we will find that the problems themselves become more solvable.

From pursued to pursuer
Our goal is to begin to follow it. To track it. To look it in the eye and say: “Got you!”

Got you when you delayed me before an action.
Got you when you made me hesitate in the middle of doing.
Got you when you flogged me after I had already acted.

The very act of identification already weakens its power.

In a certain sense we turn from the pursued into the pursuer, but it is important to do this with a smile. Not in a cruel war, but with calm awareness and self-compassion.

If only we had known from a young age
One can only imagine how different our lives would have been had we been given in childhood tools to recognize this criticism. Had we learned to see it as excessive, to place it in proportion, and not to let it run us. We would have grown more free, more creative, more courageous.

But even if we were not taught then, we can begin now.

Let us remember that self-criticism has many faces, many forms, and it sounds very convincing. But most of the time, it is simply excessive.

And from now on, we are on its trail. No longer surrendering to it blindly, but tracking it, recognizing it, saying to ourselves: “I saw you!” And already in that there is freedom.

Exercise 3: A Letter to Your Excessive Self-Criticism
I ask you to write your first letter to your excessive self-criticism, a letter of half a page to a full page.

In this letter your task is to make it clear to your excessive self-criticism that things between you are going to change, that you have come here to reduce its presence, that you have decided to create for yourself a lifestyle free of excessive self-criticism and excessive self-judgment. Be clear. Be unequivocal. Be firm if that feels right. Convey a clear message about what is going to happen, even if it is not yet clear to you exactly how it will happen. This is a declaration of intent that will support the changes we will set in motion here, going forward.

Write this letter, if possible, right now. Do not wait, do not plan, do not edit it. Spontaneous, just like that, flow with the writing, half a page to a page, and from there we will continue onward on this special path.

Chapter 4: The Paradox of the “Correction” That Does Not Correct

One of the prominent features of excessive self-criticism is its ability to produce manipulations and deceptions, without our truly noticing what is happening within us. My aim in this chapter is to present meaningful examples of those manipulations, because recognizing them is a key: only if we identify them can we deal with them, reduce their influence, and make room for inner clarity, courageous development, and emotional healing.

The false promise of the criticism
One of the most important deceptions is what I call, “the paradox of the correction that does not correct.”

Excessive self-criticism presents itself as if it is meant to help us: to correct ourselves, improve us, prevent future mistakes, save time and distress. It purports to be a kind of inner guide intended to lead us to a better way.

But this is an illusion. Every time that voice erupts, it corrects nothing.

The policy of inner punishment
Instead of correction, the criticism creates a negative atmosphere. It imposes on us feelings of pain, shame, guilt, and fear. In fact, it activates a mechanism of inner punishment. A person feels narrowed, contracted, “not okay.”

For many long years an educational approach that believed in punishment and shame as “educational” tools were accepted. Yet many cultures have already abandoned these methods after recognizing that they are based on violence and harm the psyche. And still, within most of us operates an ancient, internal, mechanism that replicates that very method. We punish ourselves out of the mistaken belief that this is how we will be able to improve.

Why it does not work
Here lies the paradox: instead of a process of correction taking place, the person becomes stuck in a loop. They do not learn how to cope with challenging situations; they only learn to avoid them, so as not to have to experience again the feeling of shame and guilt.

But avoidance is not correction. Fear is not a basis for learning. A person acting out of fear of punishment does not truly change their ways — they merely constrict their life.

Moreover: the very belief that I must “correct myself” carries within it the deep assumption that “something is broken in me.” This is a destructive premise.

Between correction and healing
Here it is important to distinguish between two different paths:

• A path of correction born of guilt — in which a person sees themselves as not okay, broken, and feels they must punish themselves in order to change.
• A path of healing and transformation — in which a person looks at their pains and weaknesses with compassion and seeks creative, harmonious, and loving ways to develop.

True healing does not grow out of a sense of failure, but out of recognition of pain and a desire to discover new possibilities. Only such an approach allows for courageous, creative, and healthy growth.

The closed loop of criticism
When excessive criticism leads, it creates a stubborn loop:
A person takes an action → the criticism erupts and punishes → the person contracts, regrets, believes they are “a zero” → later repeats the very same action, almost as an unconscious act of “in spite” → and again is punished by themselves.

Thus a painful ritual of repeated failures, renewed guilt, and an eroded sense of self-worth is built.

The central message
Therefore, even what the criticism purports to produce, correction, it does not achieve. It does not correct, but rather perpetuates the experience that “something is defective in me.” And the more this feeling sets in, the smaller the chance for real change.

Only when a person can say to themselves: “I am okay as I am, and I choose to grow into an improved version of myself,” does a door to transformation open. Change not out of fear, but out of love and self-respect.

The alternative: healing out of compassion
A person who truly seeks healing and change takes responsibility for what they call “their mistakes.” They understand that these arise from unattended pain, from wounded places that have not yet received an answer. From this understanding they set out on a journey of growth, not from guilt but from longing.

On such a journey, they recruit from within new tools, new approaches, and creative ideas, and discover that life looks different when they stop listening to the punitive voice of excessive self-criticism.

Exercise 4: Self-Forgiveness
To stand up to the waves of attack of excessive self-criticism, we must practice and apply self-forgiveness. This is one of the tools we will use against the tyrannical tendency of excessive self-criticism.

Write yourself a letter in which you declare that you forgive yourself for every mistake you have ever made. This is a “general pardon” for all the mistakes you were involved in, those you remember and those you do not remember.

Example:
“I forgive you for everything, my dear. For everything. For every mistake, every error, every miss, every lost chance. I forgive and pardon it all, even the mistakes that will be made in the future. I now establish our natural forgiveness mechanism, which will stand at our service against excessive self-criticism that exaggerates in its negative attitude toward mistakes…”

Chapter 5: The Aim to Reduce, Limit, and Prevent Authentic Creative Expression

One of the most important tools in this journey is close familiarity with excessive self-criticism. This is a subject we must open our eyes to. A subject which, because it is so habitual, we don’t always notice how full it is of lies, inner lies we tell ourselves and believe with all our heart.
At times it is easy for us to resent external lies within the family, in a couple relationship, in politics. But the truth is that we lie to ourselves on a daily basis. And excessive self-criticism is one of the most common forms of lying. It tells us an untrue story about who we are, about what is possible for us, about what we are allowed to try.

Criticism as a Serial Liar
We must dare to use the clear, sharp word: lie.
Because self-criticism lies to us. It claims we cannot, that we are not enough, that we are “not okay.” It is sophisticated, credible, sounds logical, yet the information it provides is wrong and misleading. This lie is not merely an “inner phenomenon”; it affects every domain:

• the way we perceive ourselves,
• the decisions we make,
• the choices we avoid,
• our mood and worldview,
• our relationships and creative expression.

The Cultural Role of the Criticism
Excessive self-criticism has a role. A cultural role, a family role, and also a personal role.
At its root, it is a mechanism that seeks to protect us from our own freedom.

We are afraid:
• of our inner power,
• of our spiritual truth,
• of the God within us,
• of creative flow,
• of self-realization and success.

It is much easier for us to tell ourselves that we want freedom and success than to admit how much we fear them. Therefore, we create, unconsciously, a host of barriers, and excessive self-criticism is one of the main ways those barriers operate.

Between Freud and Creativity
Freud spoke of the id, the reservoir of animal instincts and unacceptable drives, and of the super-ego, the inner policeman that restrains them. In his view, the super-ego’s role is to prevent us from acting out dangerous impulses.

But in that same unconscious, animal, and free place, there also lie the sources of our creative expression. From there arise vitality, playfulness, the capacity to connect to our spiritual truth. And when we got used to restraining impulses, we also learned to restrain ourselves in places that are not dangerous at all, but rather full of desire, life, and truth.

Thus a situation is created in which we prevent ourselves not only from what might harm, but also from what could enable us to grow.

The Drama of Shame and Guilt
Excessive self-criticism operates through inner punishment. This is a topic we will explore further as we go.

It threatens: “You’re not allowed; woe unto you if you fail.”
It preaches: “Why did you get that grade? Why did you fail again?”
And we are dragged into an inner drama: accuser and accused, shamer and shamed, judge and judged. It is a well-directed drama that casts us, again and again, into the same constricting role.

But this whole drama is manipulation. There is no truth here, no essence. There is only a skilled system that manages to generate in us feelings of guilt and shame, and thereby prevent us from expanding. And we will say again the word that should echo as much as possible: this is a rich collection of lies. And nothing more.

The Overall Aim: To Curtail Creativity
Excessive self-criticism has a clear agenda. It comes to narrow us, to limit us, to deprive us of freedom and authentic expression. Excessive self-criticism operates not only within us, but also in social and cultural discourse:

• it is fueled in educational institutions,
• it expands within interpersonal ties,
• it is woven into family narratives.

To the point that an authentic creative act, someone who dared to bring their unique voice, is perceived at times as a surprise, a miracle, something truly rare and exceptional, when in fact it is a natural act for which every person has a basic and legitimate longing, to express creativity, to play, to change, to renew, and to surprise. Yet in a space where we learned to give the lies of excessive self-criticism too much room, as if it were actually speaking “truth,” creative expression is still considered very unusual in the landscape, very rare, even “genius.” Through this approach we preserve the power of excessive self-criticism while distancing ourselves from the basic, universal need to create and express ourselves freely and uniquely.

The Key, Awareness
The stage we are in now is awareness. We are now learning to identify this sophisticated structure, to know that it operates in order to hide from us what we can truly be, and to call it by its name: lie, manipulation, deception. The moment we see it, something releases. We understand that this is not our truth, but a mechanism trying to distance us from it. And from here, we can begin to live differently.

Exercise 5: Complete the sentence 12 times:
“When I manage to identify my excessive self-criticism, then…”
Write all 12 sentences in full, without abbreviations. Do this in your own handwriting. Do it as quickly as possible. It does not matter how you complete the sentences, the main thing is to do it quickly. You may repeat this exercise in the coming days as well.

Chapter 6: Addiction to Excessive Self-Criticism and to Dissatisfaction

At this stage we will deepen our understanding of the phenomenon of excessive self-criticism through another term, both charged and confusing, addiction.

I do not use this word lightly. It carries with it an entire world of associations, sometimes difficult ones: lack of control, ongoing pain, a ritual that repeats despite its harms. Yet precisely for this reason it allows us to better understand how self-criticism penetrates our lives, how it becomes embedded to the point that we can hardly conceive of existence without it.

What is addiction?

In its basic sense, addiction is the inability to refrain from a harmful pattern, even when it is clear to us that it is damaging.
A behavior that recurs again and again, despite the pain it produces, operates by the same inner codes of addiction: automatic repetition, emotional dependence, and maintenance of the mechanism even at the price of harm.

When we look at excessive self-criticism through this lens, we discover how precisely it behaves this way:

It appears almost every day, sometimes every hour.
It produces clear emotional pain, feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame.
It repeats itself even though we know it harms us.

And most importantly: it persists so continuously that life without it seems impossible, or at least strange and threatening.

Addicted to Dissatisfaction

If we pause for a moment, we can recognize how common it is for a person not to be satisfied with themselves.
In our culture it hardly sounds natural for someone to say:
“I am at peace with who I am. I am easy, calm, accepting myself as I am. I do not need to fix anything.”
What does sound natural are varied expressions of dissatisfaction: from a mild sense of unease to daily torments, ongoing inner pressure, and a demand to meet expectations that no one can truly meet.

In other words, we have grown used to being excessively critical of ourselves. Addicted to an inner pinch, to tension, to the constant suspicion that something in us is not good enough.

The Pain at the Heart of the Addiction

For an addiction to exist there must be pain. This is the axis around which it is built, the pain that draws us again and again to experience it anew. In the case of self-criticism, this pain is clear: the pain of worthlessness, of the person not being worthy of all the good that may be available within existence.

This pain is so routine that it seems odd to imagine life without it. But because this pain, in its direct and exposed form, is too hard to bear, we “wrap” it in an addiction to excessive self-criticism and even grant it a kind of legitimacy to exist, such that we do not pause enough to examine whether its messages match our current values, and if not, why should we continue to accept its presence?
The answer repeats itself: this is an addiction. An addiction whose purpose is to create a fog screen around the hidden inner pain of worthlessness. As long as this pain does not change, the addiction to excessive self-criticism will continue to receive an inner mandate to exist and to generate its recurring disturbances.

Life Without Criticism, A Thought Exercise

Try to imagine yourself waking up in the morning, and there is no criticism, no inner voice telling you “You didn’t do enough,” “This won’t succeed,” “You’re not okay.” There is no guilt, no demand to achieve more, no hidden tension accompanying every action. The day proceeds in inner quiet. You do what you do, choose, err, succeed, without a magnifying glass accompanying every step. You are free to do as you wish; you are free to err and to “waste time”; you are free to act, and there is no inner echo that scolds, warns, is dissatisfied, berates, and blames. Inside there is ongoing quiet, absolute self-support, and the sense that any choice you make is excellent, blessed, and fitting.

Sounds strange, doesn’t it? And why, in fact, should it be strange?

For many, this picture sounds not only wondrous, but impossible and even threatening. As if life is not complete without that critical voice. The reason, again, is simple and clear: there is an addiction to excessive self-criticism, and as with any addiction, it is hard to see a reality without it, to the point that any thought of such a reality sounds strange and irrelevant.

But such a state is indeed possible, because within every addiction lies its detox plan. That plan is here, within this process, which comes to teach anyone who wishes that life with much less excessive self-criticism is in fact possible.

When we are able to imagine such a day (and we will practice this at the end of the chapter) it is a sign that we can approach such a reality. When we can “invent” this occurrence in our awareness we step out of the space governed by the criticism and begin to create within us a future reality in which such a scenario may indeed occur, in the measure and manner that suit us.

The Choice Behind the Addiction

One interesting aspect of addiction is the element of choice. Most often it is an unconscious choice, yet it exists and grants repeated permission for the continued existence of the harmful addiction. In excessive self-criticism we find this element as well: again and again we “choose,” without knowing, to let that voice operate.

Recognizing that this is an addiction (and thus that there is in it a certain degree of choice) can change our point of view:

No longer an experience over which we have no control,
but a pattern with which we are cooperating,
and therefore there is some chance to change it as well.

The Difficulty of Acceptance

It is easier to speak of addiction to drugs or alcohol than of addiction to self-criticism. The latter seems like an inseparable part of life. It sounds to us logical, reasonable, reality itself. To look at it as an addiction means to destabilize our familiar ground. This is not an easy task.

Therefore, at this stage there is no need to rush to “detox.” The psycho-creative way proposes a different approach: to observe, to get acquainted, to ask questions.

The Beginning of Change

When the criticism appears, we can say to ourselves: “Perhaps this is not the truth. Perhaps this is simply my addiction.” The very new definition already weakens its power. It builds a different relationship: not blind acceptance, but conscious observation. Thus it becomes clear that the criticism is not fate but a habit. A habit that can be challenged, reduced, and later also released.

Getting Used to New Notions

Addiction to excessive self-criticism is one of the quiet secrets of our culture. It defines the norm, cultivates constant dissatisfaction, and convinces us that it is part of reality itself.

But the moment we identify it as an addiction, no longer a “way of life” but a harmful habit, a breakthrough becomes possible. The beginning of another choice becomes possible, of gradual detox, and of creating a life in which we are able to live without the constant weight of self-dissatisfaction.

Exercise 6: Imagine a Day Without Criticism
Write a text of about half a page in which you imagine what we described above: a day without excessive self-criticism. A whole day with freedom from any inner remark, inner fear, inner brake, inner limitation, guilt, regret, fear of mistakes, scolding, reprimands, or anything similar. Write the script of this special day from the moment you wake up in the morning until its end and you’re going to sleep at night. A whole day without excessive self-criticism. How would it look for you?

Chapter 7: An Aggressive Force We Struggle With

Let us begin with an important reminder: excessive self-criticism can be reduced significantly.
The very choice of the word excessive is deliberate: I am stating from the outset that we are dealing with something that can be lessened, dismantled.
But most of us are not aware of this. We have become accustomed to its language, its messages, and its modes of operation. We cooperate with it, we believe the lies it tells us. And when there is no awareness, it is hard to begin any change at all.

Not corrective criticism, but an aggressive force

It is important to understand: this is not a voice that truly wishes to help us correct or improve.
Excessive self-criticism is not a “positive control system.” It is not a guide. It is not a teacher. It is an inner aggressive force.
It is a force that uses tools of anger, rebuke, guilt, and intimidation. A force that constricts us, that distances us from ourselves: from joy, from abundance, from love, from creativity.
And when we recognize it as such, it also becomes clear why a struggle is required.

The inner struggle

You can view the situation as an inner arena:

On one side stands the critical part, frightening, aggressive, constricting.
Opposite it stands the creative, childlike, spiritual, emotional part. This part is soft, not combative by nature. It wants to experiment, to love, to create, to play. But it is attacked again and again.
Between them is the inner self, the captain, the one meant to manage the inner space. Here lies the choice: will we abandon the creative parts to the mercy of the inner bully, or will we stand by them and protect them?

The inner bully

It is worth calling the child by name: excessive self-criticism functions as an inner bully.
It attacks quickly, forcefully, without entering into dialogue, without negotiating. It is unwilling to have a rational conversation.
And we, have learned to develop this bully and give it a legitimate place. Entire cultures have fostered it in us. In order to please significant figures, to avoid punishment, so as not to disappoint. And when we failed to please, we turned all the anger inward. Thus we created within us excessive self-criticism.
This bully continues to operate even today, as if someone had entrusted it with the task of making us small. It is this bully we are dealing with now, and many times it begins with recognizing that it truly is a “bully.”

Building lines of defense

When there is an aggressive force, we must set boundaries against it.
At times we cannot be only creative, only gentle, only flowing. Sometimes a sharp and clear stance is required:

To say to ourselves and to the self-criticism that is harassing us: “Stop.”
To recognize that we are dealing with a lie, with deception, with fear-mongering.
To stand by the childlike, creative, spontaneous part and protect it.

This is the role of our inner leadership, to create a shield for them, so they can grow, strengthen, send out new branches, until the criticism can no longer harm them.

A sustained and delicate struggle

It is important to emphasize: this struggle is not a war of annihilation. It is a delicate and ongoing struggle.
Once the healthy parts strengthen, once creativity and freedom expand, the bully’s power wanes. The most significant remedy is releasing what excessive self-criticism seeks to constrict.
But even then, this struggle does not disappear entirely. We will need to remain vigilant, to remind ourselves that the creative part is still exposed and therefore needs protection, because excessive self-criticism tends to return and surprise, to return and disrupt, and part of our resources should be dedicated to attentiveness and to creating a quick brake on the excessive criticism when it appears, so as to allow the creative and free healing forces to continue their journey of healing and liberation without interference.

An inner decision

The first step is a clear inner decision:

I take a stand beside my healthy parts.
I set boundaries for the aggressive part.
I will no longer allow excessive self-criticism to roam freely within me.

This is a choice of the inner captain. A choice that signals to self-criticism: “From now on, the rules of the game have changed.”

Exercise 7
Notice the natural anger that arises toward your excessive self-criticism and legitimize it. This anger is a vital tool in the process of change.
You are now going to write your second letter to your excessive self-criticism, and this time the letter will be very focused on your anger toward it. Try asking yourself in which topics and in which aspects excessive self-criticism disturbs you, takes from you, constricts you, limits you, misleads you, prevents you from enjoyment, joy, creativity, flow, freedom, and other things we will discover along the way.
From this place, of understanding the things excessive self-criticism takes from you, I ask you to formulate an “angry letter” addressed directly to your excessive self-criticism, a letter without any softening or toning down of your legitimate and natural anger at this part of the personality that stands between you and many good things in your world.

It could be something like this, approximately:
“Listen up, my excessive self-criticism. I am really, really, really angry with you. Angry? Boiling. You interfere with me, you block me, you disrupt me, you mislead me, you weaken me.
I am angry with you! This does not suit me, and I will no longer pass over these things in silence…”

Length of the letter: half a page to a full page, handwritten, write as fast as possible and… move on.

Chapter 8: What Does a Person Fear Without Being Aware of It?

Excessive self-criticism is perhaps the most precise representation of our fears. It reflects those hidden parts, that inner shadow or darkness we prefer not to see.
The terms “shadow” or “darkness” sometimes sound negative, but their meaning is simple: these are the places within us where the light does not reach. Those rooms in the psyche we do not dare enter, the places we keep closed, deep in the basements, hoping we will not have to confront what is hidden there.

Criticism as a reflection of the shadow

That very excessive dissatisfaction we described in previous chapters is in fact an expression of those dark parts. It rises even when there is no real reason, reminding us again and again that there is something within us we are unwilling to see.
Excessive self-criticism is thus like a “messenger” from the shadow: it reminds us, in its hard and painful way, that there are entire parts of us we are ignoring. When there is willingness to learn the significant lesson that comes along with excessive self-criticism, we actually begin to “profit” from its very existence as a high hurdle that, each time we clear it, we grow and develop further.

A comparison to human society

We can compare this to phenomena in society.
There are groups in the population perceived as “dangerous,” “criminal,” or “unworthy.” Society fights them, condemns them, while at the same time ignoring the conditions and reasons that led them to their situation. This ignoring guarantees the continuation of the situation. So it is within: a person fights their self-criticism but ignores the roots, the deep fears, the pains they refuse to face.

The fear of meeting myself

In the deepest depths, a person fears truly meeting themselves.
They fear their own power, their creative freedom, the divine and the infinite within.
They fear the emotions, the desires, the peculiarities that make up their uniqueness.
And thus a reality of self-escape is created: the person manufactures masks, images, distractions, anything to avoid meeting themselves unshielded.

The connection to self-love

Here the place of self-love enters.
When a person truly loves themselves, they necessarily learn to know themselves. But most people find it very hard to love themselves, perhaps because they fear this encounter. What will happen if they see themselves as they truly are, without titles and masks?
This fear creates a space of self-neglect, a space of pain that arises from moving away from the authentic self. And from this pain come choices that deepen even further the mismatch between who a person truly is and what they live in practice.

Self-love, as one side of the psycho-creative triangle, acts in the opposite direction from self-criticism. Self-love is on your side, it supports unreservedly, it softens, it grants optimism and backing, it shows that possibilities exist, and it is the one that lifts you when you fall or when things do not succeed. Self-love is a kind of “fuel” that keeps you on the path even when it is not clear where it is headed.

What is excessive self-criticism made of, in the end? Mainly fear.
What does fear feed on? Lack of love. And why is there a lack of love? Because we have neglected love for ourselves. Because we are actually afraid of love, especially love for ourselves. Exactly there, excessive self-criticism can grow.

Check yourself next time you feel under the excessive influence of your self-criticism: are you able, at that very time, to love yourself? Can love of self and excessive self-criticism coexist? What will happen, in your view, when you respond to excessive self-criticism with an exaggerated increase of love toward yourself?
It is worth remembering: more love, less fear. Less fear, less excessive self-criticism.

The pain of criticism, a product of distancing

Excessive self-criticism is always bound up with pain. Guilt, rebuke, dissatisfaction, disappointment, self-doubt, all are versions of inner pain.
But behind all these lies the primary pain: the pain of distancing from myself. This is the pain that criticism expresses. It does not create it out of nothing, it reflects the fear of meeting who I truly am.

Thus, another way to view the recovery plan from excessive self-criticism is by recognizing that the more connections we generate within us, the less we will be in an atmosphere of separation and distancing from ourselves. The more we are in an atmosphere of approaching ourselves, the more we will open compassion and empathy for ourselves, more support and more understanding. And this is precisely how we will reduce the possibility of self-criticism’s influence upon us.

How can you come a little closer to yourself today? Are you aware of the experience of distancing from yourself that occurs exactly when you are in excessive criticism of yourself?

Moments of freedom

When does criticism loosen its grip? Only in those moments when a person allows themselves free flow:

when they play,
when they embark on an adventure,
when they surrender to creation or to genuine excitement.

There, even for brief moments, criticism falls silent. But most people do not connect the dots. They do not understand that this creative freedom is also the key to reducing criticism.

The lesson criticism brings

As paradoxical as it may sound, excessive self-criticism is also a teacher. It comes to remind us what our fears are. It appears to invite us not to obey it, but to go out nonetheless to the very adventure it tries to prevent.
Precisely there, behind its wall, the “true I” is revealed, the one we have been waiting for all our lives, the one from whom, out of fear, we built the walls of criticism. The one toward whom the brave movement will release the excessive criticism from its post.

Exercise 8
A short story: write an eight-line story that begins with the following words:
“There was once a woman who, all her life, was afraid to enter one of the rooms in the house simply because for many generations everyone had feared entering that room. One day, when no one was home, her curiosity moved her to open the door of that room. When she entered she was very surprised to see that…”

Chapter 9: Notice, Recognize, Feel, Then Refuse, Firmly

There is a message worth repeating again and again until it is engraved in awareness: excessive self-criticism can be reduced significantly. And not only can it be reduced, it is also ours. We created it. We cultivated it. One could even say, we became addicted to it.
And if we created it, and if we became addicted to it, and if we are beginning to understand how excessive and unnecessary it is, then the power to lessen it is also in our hands.

The same power, two directions

The power that gave criticism a central place within us, is the very same power that can also shrink it.
The power that believed it, listened to it, fed it, is exactly the same power that can say to it: “That’s enough. I can and want to live a life in which you are far less present.”
Once we understand that the criticism is not truth but distortion, that it harms and constricts us, it becomes clear that from here on everything depends on our choice, and on how much we are willing to let its distorted and deceitful information, which we learned to believe over the years, continue to run our lives.

The path, not perfect, but ongoing

No illusions: we will not reach a state in which the criticism disappears entirely. There will not be absolute quiet from guilt or self-disappointment. But we will be able, through consistent and ongoing steps, to reduce it, to lessen its intensity very significantly. To create new precedents within the psyche. And this is our role: to get better at it, again and again. In addition, it should already be emphasized, every small change in the level of influence of excessive self-criticism is experienced as a significant delight and as a notable increase in freedom and in the range of human flexibility and creativity.
Thus, even if we do not “eliminate” the excessive criticism entirely, we enjoy a unique journey in which with every small victory we take a very significant step of development and growth. To a large extent, this presence of excessive self-criticism and our intention to reduce it create a combination that enables a journey of healing, transformation, and self-discovery.

Four first steps

The basis for coping can be summarized in four steps:

Notice – to see its appearance in real time. To pay attention when the messages are too unequivocal: “I’m not okay,” “I surely won’t succeed,” “This won’t work.” To recognize that they are inflexible, blocking, constricting. To be able to say to myself, “Hey! Here it is, here is my excessive self-criticism in action, I see it, it is seeking to influence me right now.”

Recognize – to understand that it is a part of us. As we practice, we will begin to identify even the smallest nuances. Recognize yourself as someone who has excessive self-criticism. Know that it is within you, learn to see this part of your personality that stems from you and is, in the end, also your responsibility, even if right now it is not clear how this happened…

Feel – to notice the body: the contraction, the heaviness, the pressure, the worry. To feel that it is present. The influence of excessive self-criticism has quite a noticeable presence, and at the moment we are learning to identify it so that later we will be able to choose not to take the body and the psyche there.

Refuse, firmly – here the real work begins. To set a boundary. To say: this is unacceptable to me. Stop. I do not agree.

Developing a reflex of refusal

We want to develop a new reflex:

Criticism arrives? Stop it immediately.
No arguments, no trying to persuade. Simply no. A stubborn, repeated, determined, and persistent refusal. With time, this refusal will begin to be effective and noticeable.

Even if doubt arises: “Maybe it’s right? Maybe I really am incapable?”, continue to refuse. Remember that excessive self-criticism is very experienced in making us believe it. We are now learning to challenge its absoluteness and its manipulations. So refuse. And refuse again. And refuse again. Until you get used to refusing it faster and without any hesitation.

Setting boundaries

Self-criticism operates as an inner bully because we got used to not responding to it. We got used to letting it run wild in an empty space. We must acknowledge that there is a “bully” within us and accordingly relate to him/her, by setting uncompromising boundaries, by recognizing that in the absence of boundaries there will be an atmosphere of tyranny and fear, by deciding to embark on a journey in which the bully will no longer be able to threaten or harm. Inner statements such as:

“I do not agree to this treatment.”
“I do not accept this style of inner speech.”
“I will try again, even if I failed.”

This is a new inner discourse in which you, the captain, the owner of the inner space, mobilize your legitimate power to protect your creative, free, and spontaneous parts.

Only the beginning

It is important to emphasize: this is only the first stage. The criticism will return, and we will respond with no again. It will return once more, and again we will set a boundary. Thus, new inner muscles are built slowly. The journey to reducing excessive self-criticism is long, but it begins here: with noticing, recognizing, feeling, and with a firm refusal that sets the first line of freedom.

Beyond that, this is about building a “primary line of defense.” Later we will refine, deepen, and develop more sophisticated and advanced defensive tools that can be at our disposal once the basic ability to refuse and to recognize that this is something that must be given clear boundaries has developed satisfactorily.

Exercise 9
Write a half-page story that begins like this:
“There once was a woman who, all her life, was afraid to say ‘No!’. Whenever there was a need to refuse something that did not suit her, she made some kind of detour and avoided refusing, avoided saying the unequivocal ‘No!’.
One day, while she was speaking with her supervisor at work, she felt that the ‘No!’ was practically shouting from within her, for she had been asked to do something she absolutely hates. In that moment, without understanding how it was happening, a voice burst out of her that said…”

Continue this story to about a page in length. What happens to this woman at that moment? How did her life change from that moment on? What new insights arose in her life when she learned that she has the option to refuse what does not suit her?

Move in this story through the expanses of your imagination, as far and even as “crazy” as possible (your excessive self-criticism will really not like you allowing yourself to write something truly improbable…).

Give yourself the freedom to move within the story and even to make yourself laugh as you write it. Allow yourself to be the generator of energy for this kind woman who finally discovered, within the movement of her life, the possibility to refuse.

When you finish writing the story, read it from beginning to end aloud to yourself, and perhaps you will want to add a few things. When you finish, ask yourself how you feel about this story, what it stirs in you, and how it connects for you to the task placed here in your hands, to learn to refuse much more to your excessive self-criticism.

Chapter 10: The Influence of ESC (Excessive Self-Criticism) Always Involves Fear

One of the most striking characteristics of excessive self-criticism, and one of the key components for understanding how it operates, where it originates, and how deeply it affects the individual, is its intimate connection with fear. Fear is a fundamental and inseparable element of excessive self-criticism, and it is one of the main reasons that makes it excessive.

It resembles an educational approach that relies on punishment as a primary tool for learning and guidance. According to this logic, if a person fears certain behaviors strongly enough, they will learn to avoid them and act only in acceptable ways. In this way, one can seemingly lead a person to stay away from what is considered “forbidden” and turn them into the “ideal” person according to the standards of the authority figure.

In this sense, the extent of excessive self-criticism in a person’s life reflects their unconscious need to experience unnecessary and exaggerated fears, and to allow those fears to take up a large space in shaping their experiences, thoughts, choices, and perceptions.

When one examines this phenomenon closely, and listens carefully to its emotional tone, it becomes clear that it does not really speak the language of criticism. The emotional atmosphere it creates in a person is not one of analysis or correction, but of fear and discomfort with oneself, much more than the feeling of receiving genuine, constructive feedback about an action or a thought.

It is therefore important to repeat this truth again and again: excessive self-criticism is not truly concerned with what we normally understand as “criticism.” When we think of criticism, we imagine a reflective and deliberate process, an observation designed to show us where we can improve, grow, and act in a better, lighter, and more flowing way. But excessive self-criticism does not work this way. There is no genuine observation, no learning, no correction, and no improvement.

What exists instead, under the disguise of “criticism,” is a kind of internal terror, a fearful reaction that generates pain, guilt, regret, damage to self-esteem, pessimism, hesitation, loss of flexibility, restriction of freedom and creativity, and a heavy, burdensome emotional atmosphere.

We must recognize this: excessive self-criticism is not here to help us. It does not offer criticism through which one can develop or grow. Rather, it creates a state of mind dominated by fear. This fear can easily expand into helplessness, guilt, self-anger, feelings of failure, worthlessness, and other similar experiences.

To understand where all this leads, we can look at the Psycho-Creative Triangle, composed of three vertices: Self-Love, Self-Criticism, and Emotional Creativity. According to the psycho-creative approach, this triangle represents a major foundation of human personality. Within this structure, we can see the harmful potential of excessive self-criticism, which, despite appearing to be a mechanism of control and evaluation, actually operates with different goals entirely, under the false appearance of being rational and objective.

When excessive self-criticism operates freely and without awareness, it directly damages a person’s ability to love themselves. Love and fear cannot coexist in the same space. Therefore, the more freely one allows their inner criticism to act, the more they are forced to experience fear, the natural by-product of excessive self-criticism. The result is difficulty in feeling affection, friendship, and empathy toward oneself, and a weakening of self-support, self-understanding, and self-love.

This is how excessive self-criticism works: it makes a person, at least for a while, feel “unworthy” or “not good enough.” In such a state, the individual perceives themselves as undeserving of love, affection, appreciation, or support. On the contrary, they may even develop harsh, negative feelings toward themselves, everything that stands in opposition to love, respect, and inner kindness.

This is one of the greatest dangers of excessive self-criticism: it makes it extremely difficult for a person to cultivate a positive relationship with themselves, one based on love, compassion, self-encouragement, internal support, and self-trust. All these essential elements, derived from self-love, are deeply harmed when excessive self-criticism is allowed to act without restraint.

A major problem in this context is the general lack of awareness regarding the necessity of love and affection within one’s relationship with oneself. As long as a person is unaware of the fundamental need for self-love in every aspect of their life, they also remain unaware of the damage caused by excessive self-criticism. Through its ongoing influence, the person learns the opposite: that it is normal, even “mature,” not to love oneself; that fear and inner self-tension reflect “reality”; and that self-love is somehow childish, naïve, or irresponsible.

A similar dynamic occurs when we examine the influence of excessive self-criticism on the third vertex of the psycho-creative triangle: the person’s emotional and creative expression. The fear created by excessive self-criticism directly clashes with spontaneity, playfulness, flexibility, and the ability to improvise, adapt, explore challenges from different perspectives, and engage with change. It interferes with the ability to play, to experiment, to create, and to discover.

The fear generated by excessive self-criticism causes contraction, sometimes to the point of freezing the natural movement of the psyche. It narrows the scope of curiosity and experimentation, pushing the person to behave in predictable and seemingly “safe” ways when facing life’s challenges. That same fear paints creativity as reckless, immature, unnecessary, or meaningless.

Thus it happens: excessive self-criticism creates an atmosphere of fear. It acts like an inner bully that, through constant presence, becomes almost invisible. Only when a person begins to awaken their self-love and nurture their natural creative energy do they realize how threatened these forces have been by the constant interference of excessive self-criticism and the fear it continually transmits.

Once we begin to recognize that the main activity of self-criticism is not true evaluation or discernment, but the generation of fear that restricts love and creativity, we can start building internal tools to reduce its power. On the other hand, as long as one becomes accustomed to the fear produced by excessive self-criticism and accepts it as an inseparable part of “reality,” it remains difficult to understand that the criticism is indeed excessive, and that a far better reality, filled with love, freedom, and creativity, awaits anyone who learns to practice, regularly and intentionally, the gradual release from the habit of excessive self-criticism.

Exercise 10:
Complete the following sentence 12 times: “When I stop being influenced by my ESC’s intimidations I will probably…”

Chapter 11: Why Do We Need Fears That Never Go Away

The presence of excessive self-criticism reflects a certain inner need. In fact, every phenomenon that exists, and especially one that is so present and widespread, reflects a kind of need that invites it, sustains it, and justifies its continued existence. Excessive self-criticism repeatedly grants us a strong dose of fear, turning these fears into ones that never truly fade away. The recurring worries about the places where I am not good enough, I am guilty, I am doing things wrong, I am not capable enough, or countless similar inner messages, create fears that, in one form or another, always return in new situations.

So why do we need fears that never go away?
What does excessive self-criticism actually provide us when it continues to arouse fears for which we have no real response?
And what do we gain, at least on the surface, from the fact that these fears keep coming back, even though at first glance we would be glad to be free of them entirely?

To explore this question, which is far from simple, let us take ourselves to another place, unknown, unfamiliar, and perhaps even slightly frightening. Let us try to imagine our lives for one day, two days, a week, a month, or even a full year, without any fears at all. A calm life, free of significant fears. Of course, some fears will always exist, those related to survival, health, or the protection of our bodies and relationships. But aside from these, let us imagine a quiet life, life without fear.

How would it feel to live in such a state?
Is it even possible?
Can life itself, as we know it, exist almost entirely without fear, or perhaps completely without it?

This is a very meaningful mental exercise, one that can help us begin moving toward a new kind of reality, one in which the influence of excessive self-criticism gradually diminishes, even if it never disappears completely. The human habit of living through fear, and sometimes even identifying through fear, is merely that, a habit. We do not know any other kind of existence, and so we mistakenly assume that this is how things are meant to be. Without noticing, we even make sure that this condition continues, by keeping the role of excessive self-criticism alive, so that we keep fearing, so that we keep feeling the familiar experience of life, an experience defined and colored by fears that, in truth, we no longer need.

To deeply understand excessive self-criticism and change the intensity of its influence on our lives, we must first recognize the need it fulfills. It serves the need to preserve fear, because within us lies a deep anxiety toward a different, unfamiliar, and undefined way of life, a life with far less fear.

Why, then, do we need our fears so much?
There are many possible reasons, but here we will focus on one central reason that usually does not receive the attention it deserves, the difficulty of remaining in a state of uncertainty.

Although uncertainty, when approached in the right way, can become one of the greatest gifts a person can offer themselves, it can also serve as a major source of anxiety and avoidance.
Uncertainty is like an empty space without a clear direction. It is the place where the masks we are accustomed to wearing fall away and dissolve. It is a space where there is nowhere to run except to be with ourselves, with what we encounter within. Emotionally, uncertainty can be a very painful experience because it removes the distractions we have learned to depend on, those that keep us away from our deeper, authentic pain.

Uncertainty is a state of consciousness that can only be faced through creativity, spontaneity, and openness to adventure. It is a space where anything can happen, where surprise is natural, and where our sense of control over what is happening and what will happen feels very small. It is a place with fewer familiar points of reference, fewer habits to lean on, and less capacity to explain what is happening in logical terms.

Uncertainty is an inseparable part of human existence, yet as a culture that tends to rely heavily on rational and systematic thinking, we have learned to stay away from it, to avoid it, and to miss its profound gifts.

In fact, one of the deepest reasons that may encourage a person to begin reducing excessive self-criticism is to improve their ability to remain in uncertainty, and even to transform it into an infinite space of creativity, growth, and healing.

Now that we see how excessive self-criticism serves our need to maintain a constant, and often unnecessary, level of fear, since it always evokes fear even before we consciously notice it, we can begin to observe an important principle, every time we are afraid, we also create an illusion of certainty.

When excessive self-criticism triggers the inner statement “I am really not good enough,” it generates fear. That fear, in turn, creates a sense of false certainty. We begin to believe that what the inner critic conveys is the absolute truth, something beyond doubt.

And so, without realizing it, we find a kind of rest, and even a dark form of comfort, within excessive self-criticism. It distracts us from facing the challenge of uncertainty that lies within many life situations. In the moments that challenge us most, when uncertainty reaches its peak, excessive self-criticism grants us a feeling of false security, a seemingly safe place to remain, where our attention is focused on the fears it creates rather than on the genuine uncertainty within us.

Therefore, an essential part of the journey to reduce excessive self-criticism involves a gradual and often difficult separation, almost like a process of detoxification, from the need to live in fear. If we observe ourselves with honesty and patience, we will discover how many fears we have accumulated over the years, how many of them remain fixed within us, unmoving. These are fears we have not yet chosen to release, because they serve as a protective wall against something that frightens us even more, the uncertainty that exists, inevitably, in every part of our lives.

When we fear, for example, death, we are in fact avoiding the confrontation with the uncertainty it contains. We fear not only death itself, but also the unknown that lies beyond it. And precisely there, and in many other essential life themes, excessive self-criticism stands before us. It blurs the truth, keeps us frightened, and prevents us from meeting our real fears face to face.

Freedom from excessive self-criticism, then, is also freedom from some of our fears, from the traditional roles they have played within us. A person who is used to living in fear does not know, and cannot imagine, what life might feel like with much less fear. And a person accustomed to living under the shadow of excessive self-criticism does not know, and cannot imagine, what life could be like without it.

This is the space, the story, the experience of learning to live with much less fear and much less self-criticism, and it begins right here, right now.

Exercise 11: A Journey into the Realms of Uncertainty

Write an imaginative and completely illogical story, at least eight to ten lines long, about a group of brave people boarding a vehicle capable of crossing the boundaries of consciousness into the vast dimension of the unknown.
This is an adventure story filled with surprises, as they travel through the infinite world of the unknown, the world of uncertainty that gradually transforms, throughout their journey, into a process of discovery and inner growth.

Chapter 12: The Fear of Full Freedom

One of the human paradoxes, and there are many, is the way a person relates to the idea of freedom. In a way that is almost “inspiring,” one could say that every person, when asked, aspires to the highest level of freedom possible, and at the very same time, within the very same breath, there also exists a deep and significant fear of bringing that wish into reality.

One of the reasons for the persistent, everyday presence of excessive self-criticism is the fear of full freedom, the fear of fulfilling the human fantasy of releasing oneself from inner chains and moving into a state where there are no restrictions, no limitations, no brakes, no interferences, and nothing that prevents us from realizing and expressing everything we long for.

In a state of full freedom, which is of course a concept that is difficult, if not impossible, to define within human existence, humanity itself seems to dissolve, the very humanity that for ages has been described and built through its limitations. If I am a person who lives in full freedom, many of the features that define who I am no longer hold. In such moments I am almost no longer “a person,” and this possibility can feel threatening, unfamiliar, and perhaps not even belonging to the human world or to the community I know.

Each day, most people awaken to a new day in which there is some degree of worry, pressure, fear, pain, difficulty in the face of uncertainty, and at times also frustration or a sense of helplessness in the face of the reality they meet again and again. This is the familiar, common, and accepted pattern of life, even if we would prefer to present ourselves in a more positive light if asked.

When the possibility arises, which is usually not discussed, of moving toward a state of full freedom, an association often appears of an ending of life as we have known it, and a passage into an unfamiliar place that perhaps cannot exist within the “game of life” as we understand and live it.

Thus, without our awareness, there exists within us a quiet and ongoing fear, almost invisible, that links, at a subconscious level, between full freedom and death. It seems to us that to be truly free, released from worries, brakes, and limitations, is possible only when a person is no longer alive, and this is, of course, something most of us wish to keep at a distance.

This happens when our concepts of freedom are narrow and out of date, and when within human culture and education there is almost no room for genuine inquiry and depth regarding freedom, as it might be expressed within the human condition that we know.

Excessive self-criticism appears, among other reasons, to make sure that we do not progress in realizing the inner idea of freedom that dwells deep within us. It keeps us in a posture of hesitation and fear in the face of full freedom, instead of inviting us to clarify it, build it, and cultivate it in accordance with what life allows.

This topic can become a meaningful focus for anyone who wishes to understand why excessive self-criticism is so present in their life, and how it may be reduced. As long as self-criticism operates with great force, it points to a deep fear of full freedom, of the possibility of releasing constraints that are no longer needed.

Excessive self-criticism is not pleasant, and it is meant to be unpleasant. It disturbs, it hurts, it disrupts, it damages self-image, it produces hesitation where comfort is needed, it creates drama around mistakes or failures, it causes a person to diminish their worth and their likelihood of success, and it places a barrier between the person and the realization of their dreams, growth, joy, and tranquility.

All of this, for what purpose? What is its aim? What role have we given it, and why do we continue to agree to its presence? Can we suppose that excessive self-criticism is, in fact, the result of a quiet and unconscious choice, a choice to which we return again and again without noticing?

Here we can begin to examine possible answers. It may be that excessive self-criticism serves a very significant function for us. It may be that we need it, with all its side effects and the pain it causes, because it protects us from direct contact with the full freedom within us. We need it because, unknowingly, we wish to prevent ourselves from moving toward that freedom. We need it because we fear drawing near again to the source from which we were created. We need it because it allows us to preserve the illusion of our separateness from the whole, from all that exists, from the divine, if we wish to call it so. And we need it so that we do not have to face the immense responsibility that accompanies reconnecting with the complete inner freedom that waits within us for renewed activation.

We can try to imagine a continuous process of improving our capacity to dwell in a state of full freedom, or near it. We can imagine this place, its taste, its essence, as a lived experience that can be approached directly.

In a state of full freedom, the ability to listen to the quiet signals of intuition improves greatly, and thus a person becomes increasingly connected to their healthy desires, which guide them toward the domains of growth that are worthy of their investment.

In a state of full freedom, we are no longer occupied with the question of why a plan might fail, but rather with the question of how we can create something creative and meaningful out of our desire, even when obstacles stand along the way.

In a state of full freedom, we regard mistakes and failures as central life lessons and opportunities for learning and development, and we move thanks to them toward realms that in the past we could not allow ourselves to enter, only because we had nurtured excessive self-criticism toward ourselves and toward those situations we labeled as mistakes or failures. With a renewed perspective, we understand that reality was trying to teach us how to refine our movement toward a direction that is more accurate for our potential.

In a state of full freedom, we do not worry about our freedom, we live it, explore it, apply it, and expand it. In such a state we do not feel like victims of reality, but rather as partners in a creative act that can be influenced at every moment.

In a state of full freedom, we redirect the energy and the force that previously fueled excessive self-criticism, a masculine energy that had been operating against our freedom, and we employ them for new aims that involve courage, adventure, initiative, and openness to discovery.

The more we learn to reduce the fear of the full freedom that exists within us, but has not yet been fully activated, the more the need for excessive self-criticism will diminish. A central function of self-criticism has been to preserve the existing state and to prevent us from truly recognizing the precious treasure within us, our freedom, and from moving toward its broader realization in our lives.

Exercise 12: A Day of Freedom to Do, to Be, and Also Not to Do and Not to Be

Write at least eight to ten lines about an “imaginary day” in which every form of freedom that could exist for you truly exists. The freedom to do only what your heart asks for, the freedom to be only what suits you to be, along with the freedom to decline anything that is not pleasant or right for you to do, and the freedom not to be anything you do not wish to be. Within this creative exercise, allow yourselves an “exaggerated and unreasonable” amount of freedom, and notice how challenging this is for you, what freedom looks like in your imagination, and how free you feel to write about it.

Chapter 13: The Fear of Losing Control

Life is, to a large extent, an unclear story. No matter how much we try to explain or define the journey of life through logical tools, there will always come a moment when we discover, perhaps to our disappointment, that we are not truly able to understand what is happening, why things unfold in the way they do, and where exactly we are heading now or in the future. These moments, in which we recognize the great degree of uncertainty in our lives, accompanied by a significant sense of lack of control, are moments that may stir embarrassment, pain, anxiety, despair, anger, and other uncomfortable responses.

In order to reduce our encounter with these aspects of life, which over time I intend to show are not necessarily as problematic as they may seem, the ongoing human need arises to increase the feeling of control over what is happening, to reduce uncertainty and the element of surprise, to enhance the sense of managing circumstances, the ability to plan ahead, and the ability to be prepared for any possible scenario.

Here is where excessive self-criticism enters, continuing to be excessive because of the impossible task it was given from the very beginning. In truth, excessive self-criticism was assigned a role for which failure is guaranteed in advance. It was asked to create a feeling of control in places where such control is not possible.

These are the laws of life, and there is no way or possibility to change them, certainly not through increasing self-criticism. Yet we struggle to understand this because it is what we became accustomed to and what we have become addicted to. We do not know how to approach the journey of life with increasing acceptance of uncertainty and lack of control, and from there, to learn the way that best allows us to exist within such a space, one in which the unknown is always greater than what is revealed.

Ironically, the very areas in which we could increase our actual ability to influence what happens are the areas that excessive self-criticism hides from us. These are the places that initially feel frightening, due to the sense of lack of control, but once the fear subsides we discover that not only do we have greater control than before, but we can also learn how to benefit from the very experience of lack of control and the inevitable uncertainty that accompanies the life story of every person, everywhere.

Thus, through excessive self-criticism, we do not reduce our fear of losing control. We preserve it and even intensify it. And more than that, we often influence some of the people around us to behave similarly and to fear similarly what we call lack of control.

The truth is that we do not have, and never will have, complete control over what happens and what will happen. This is in fact a significant part of the beauty and uniqueness of the human life journey. A large portion of the real story of what is unfolding is not revealed to us, and no matter how hard we try to expose the deeper truth of this unpredictable path, it will remain unpredictable to a meaningful degree. Uncertainty will always be part of the human experience, and without it, large parts of the beauty and the potential for development and growth would not exist, here or anywhere else where human life exists.

Relative control can exist only from a position that first recognizes the degree of lack of control that cannot be changed, and the degree of uncertainty and the wide range of surprises that are inseparable from the rules of the game. These cannot be changed, certainly not when we approach them with logic alone or with attempts to impose order and planning on this unexpected journey.

Relative control resembles, for example, the ability to navigate a small rowboat within a current whose power and direction we cannot alter. Yet through certain gestures and decisions, we can move with the current to new, shifting, and even deeply rewarding places.

When we recognize that uncertainty is not only a space defined by negation, a space of “not knowing,” but also a realm of consciousness and of life in which, because anything can happen, anything truly can happen, a transformation begins. The same space of uncertainty that so strongly characterizes human existence, in all its forms, is also a space that invites human beings to influence it in countless ways. It is a highly flexible space. Although results can never be fully predicted and there is always room for surprises and changes, a person has a significant ability to navigate the movement of existence in almost any direction they wish, through creative, courageous, adventurous, playful, curious, and flexible approaches.

There is no other way for a person to give themselves even a partial sense of control. There is no other way to derive significant and even pleasurable benefit from the fact that uncertainty makes up a huge part of their life story. Lack of control invites learning, improvement, growth, exploration, and embarking on journeys in which the guiding logic is not only the familiar rational logic, but also the intuitive logic whose rules differ greatly from what we typically assume to be the rules of reality.

This approach to the life journey, which includes adventure, openness, creativity, courage, and willingness for change and surprise, is the one that places a person in the highest alignment with what truly exists. From this place, a person fears lack of control far less, because ordinary notions of control, which try to eliminate uncertainty and the natural lack of control inherent in life, actually distance the person from the better alternative to control, which is cooperation with the mysterious and rich flow of life.

Those moments of synchronicity, in which a person reaches states of delight through the game they play with the life path whose logic is always limited, those moments of connection through a creative approach that includes willingness to make decisions without knowing exactly where they will lead, are the moments in which the person not only does not fear lack of control, but experiences growing freedom and the ability to exist in an unpredictable space while influencing it in ways that offer increasing satisfaction and joy.

All of these sweet and meaningful experiences are precisely what excessive self-criticism seeks to prevent, by keeping the person in an exaggerated posture of fear toward the illogical elements of life. Those moments when we hear the harsh and unpleasant rebukes of excessive self-criticism are the moments in which we are, in a sense, attempting to create a higher level of control so that next time we will not make mistakes and will choose more suitable decisions.

The very common fear among humans of losing control is in fact a fear of mystery, of surprises, of uncertainty, of the knowledge that part of the story will always remain hidden and unknown. It is a fear of existence itself, a fear of a close and fertile meeting between the person and the true framework to which they belong.

When we look deeply into this matter, we discover that it is not fear of control that troubles us, but the opposite. It is fear of real control in life. Real control is the kind that acknowledges uncertainty, that looks with courage at the reality of death, that connects with the unclear mystery, and that is willing to influence life creatively even when it is never clear where such influence will lead. This is the control we are truly afraid of, and excessive self-criticism exists to keep us as far away from it as possible.

Exercise 13: Answer the following five questions

Why do you think it is important to recognize excessive self-criticism within a person?
What is your relationship with your own self-criticism?
Is it clear to you that it is actually excessive, or do you have doubts about this conclusion?
Do you personally know people who are aware of their excessive self-criticism? Do you feel comfortable in their presence?
What do you think will happen when your awareness of your own excessive self-criticism expands beyond the level it is today?

Chapter 14: The Need to Avoid Seeing Spaces That Are Too Large

The role of a growing and developing person, one who seeks a life of greater meaning and fulfillment, is, among other things, to remain within an ongoing process of personal expansion.

The healthy way to exist is connected, among other things, to a recurring question: How can I grow from this point toward new places of self-realization and a broader expression of what makes me unique?

A person who seeks the path of growth and development should remain, as much as possible, in this very path. There are always new horizons to move toward, new goals, new wishes, and new desires inviting the person to explore new spaces within themselves, around them, and with others.

This is similar to the human instinct of curiosity, which reflects a healthy state of constant desire to know more, discover more, reveal more, search further, and ask more questions. Many curious people encounter walls intended to block their desire for understanding and knowledge, and they often receive messages that their curiosity is unnecessary, disruptive, or even harmful.

This is precisely how excessive self-criticism operates when it attempts to prevent a person from seeing that at every moment many options are available for action, exploration, and experimentation. Through its comments and reactions, it narrows the range of possibilities and creates around anything outside that range a sense of fear and negative interpretation.

Excessive self-criticism serves, without our awareness, a fear-based need: the need not to see spaces that are too large. The need not to see too far, not to see too wide, not to feel things that move beyond what we imagine we are able to contain or manage internally. We fear this capacity within us, the capacity that has no logic, no boundaries, and no order, the capacity associated with the infinite freedom of imagination, with the vision of those who dream of realities entirely different from the existing one, and with the ability to sense, even for a moment, how much more we are than “just human beings” who think in familiar ways, act in familiar ways, and understand in ways expected of them.

Excessive self-criticism makes sure we remain within the boundaries of consensus. Should we not go beyond the limits? Should we not deviate from the path? Should we not cross the lines that were marked for us by what is considered normal or acceptable?
It ensures that we remain smaller than we truly are, more frightened than necessary, and therefore striving for goals and directions that are much narrower than what we are actually capable of pursuing and, in many cases, realizing.

Thus, when a person wishes to meet, in some way, their greatness, their uniqueness, their personal and singular story, their authenticity, and the path that best reflects who they truly are, they must recognize that excessive self-criticism opposes this wish and will do everything it can to prevent them from developing these ideas or asking the questions that lead to the sweetest destinations life can offer them.

To a large extent, this is how a self-image is formed within a person: an image of their abilities, their potentials, their possibilities for growth and change, the strengths available to them, and the horizons they may explore through curiosity and adventure in order to discover themselves and their world.

Excessive self-criticism creates for us a kind of tunnel vision, or alternatively, a form of dimming, that leads us to believe that our lives and the world around us are far more limited than they truly are.

This can be illustrated through an example of a journey. Imagine we are walking on a certain path and wondering where we can go next. Excessive self-criticism will quickly inform us that only a small number of options are available for the continuation of our way, and nothing more. While informing us of these limited options, presented as the correct or appropriate ones, it hides from us a wide range of other possibilities that we could choose, explore, and experience. These possibilities would reveal new horizons, not only in the landscape of the journey, but also, and primarily, in the landscape within us.

How large are you?
Are you able to recognize the special and sweet places within your personality in which elements of greatness exist, in which unique abilities reside, in which an abundance of meaningful gifts for the world can be expressed through what you brought with you into this life?
Is there within you a voice that cancels this possibility, that suggests you remain modest and not overestimate your self-worth?

This is excessive self-criticism, performing its role faithfully, from morning till night, reminding us again and again that we are supposedly much smaller than we truly are. Our task now is at least to make room for the possibility that this mechanism, which limits our ability to see within ourselves and around ourselves spaces that are too large, may not be reliable, and to begin gradually reducing the degree of trust we place in it.

Opposite excessive self-criticism there exist many inner voices that hint to us that reality within and around us is far wider, richer, more varied, and more welcoming of change than what is presented through the filter of excessive self-criticism. These are the voices we want to learn to recognize, to nurture, and to bring to the forefront of our awareness with increasing frequency, while improving our capacity to question the limiting and seemingly definite messages of excessive self-criticism, which is, as we will remind again and again, excessive.

The irony here is that excessive self-criticism urges us not to exaggerate. It tries to convince us not to exaggerate the way we look at life and ourselves. Should we not exaggerate our desire? Should we not exaggerate our attempts to create change? Should we not exaggerate our movement toward self-realization and the search for our authentic essence? Should we not exaggerate our adventure, our love, our positivity?

In a very exaggerated and distorted way, excessive self-criticism seeks to narrow us into dimensions much smaller than what we truly need and deserve. In a very exaggerated way, it attempts to prevent us from seeking new things, from exploring the unknown, from spending meaningful time within spaces of uncertainty, from crossing lines, from challenging existing rules, from wanting more, from dreaming, from leaping, and even from laughing too much.

Excessive self-criticism serves our fears of the greatness and abundance that exist within us from birth. To free ourselves from its ongoing grip, it may be worthwhile from time to time to do exactly what it tries to prevent: to exaggerate. To be too much. To step beyond our familiar limits, to leave the narrow paths we know, and to allow ourselves to see larger spaces. For moments, when we do so, we can taste the sweetness of an inner and outer reality in which excessive self-criticism loosens its hold. And for those very moments, we are here.

Exercise 14: Answer the following five questions

In which situations and forms does your self-criticism prevent you from initiating, taking action, or daring to move forward?
What emotions arise within you when your excessive self-criticism “speaks to you” while you are trying to do something different or new?
How far are you likely to go in feeling guilt or self-anger if you tried something or did something, and only afterward realized that you made a mistake, missed something, overlooked something, or failed to notice an important detail?
Are you aware that procrastination and hesitation can stem from excessive self-criticism? Do you have examples from your own life?
Are you able to recognize your excessive self-criticism when you are anxious, in a low mood, or simply in a place that is uncomfortable for you to be in?

Chapter 15: Losing One’s Identity Within the Crowd

This chapter, and the two that follow it, deal with the human need to belong – the great and often insufficiently appreciated need to be part of the consensus. This need exists in every person, even in those who see themselves, or present themselves, as original, individualistic, rebellious, anarchistic, solitary, or opposed to conventional ways of living.

Every person has a deep need to belong, to be accepted, to be perceived as “okay”, to receive recognition, to be part of the group, to be wanted, to be appreciated, to be “one of us”. Often, there will be certain groups or circles to which a person would very much prefer not to belong, and will even make an effort to define themselves as unconnected to them. Yet even then, in their own way, they will still carry within them the need to feel that others identify them correctly, that they are accepted, seen, wanted, and allowed to be “part of the tribe”.

This need is often hidden from view. We do not notice how many of our actions, choices and feelings are tied to the need to belong, to be accepted, to receive approval from others. At times we do not see that we make decisions whose deeper motivation is the desire to feel part of a wider social story, a story that includes many others besides ourselves.

We will also sometimes avoid situations in which we might feel alone, not because of loneliness itself but because of the sense of non-belonging – the feeling that we do not blend in, that we are not “part of what is happening”.

Excessive self-criticism is highly active in this area, and in many ways it can be assumed that this is where it originates. The child’s need to be protected and nourished is a basic survival need. A child cannot exist without the physical and emotional support of parents and family, and their dependence is absolute. Therefore, the child seeks, with all their might, to be “worthy” and “deserving” of the good things the environment provides. In order to achieve this, the child develops within themselves a system of self-criticism whose role is to monitor their actions and thoughts and guide them so they will align with what the child perceives as appropriate or acceptable. Through this system the child learns how to continue belonging to the family structure, and later to the social structures of kindergarten, school and the broader community.

In this area, excessive self-criticism operates around the question of our alignment with an internalized consensus that we perceive as “right”, “moral” or “acceptable”. Whenever we feel that we have deviated from it – in thought, feeling or behavior – the criticism arises and generates loud, painful and troubling alarm calls, which do not allow us to drift too far from what we perceive as the “proper and acceptable consensus”.

“What will the neighbors say?” “What will people think of me if I say or do this?” These expressions are embedded far more deeply than we realize. They represent the basic need to be “okay”, to avoid being pointed at, to avoid being perceived as “strange” or “different”. And beneath all of that lies the deeper fear that people might see us as we truly are – with the full spectrum of our authentic emotions and inner experiences.

Thus, through fears that are continuously reinforced by excessive self-criticism, and rooted in the early belief that we must be “belonging” at all costs, we tend to arrive at a state that can be described as losing one’s identity within the crowd.

The need to be “like everyone else”, the fear of rejection or expulsion from the tribe, the fear of ridicule or unpleasant treatment by others – all these create an internal mechanism that constantly asks: What must I do in order to keep belonging? How should I behave so that others will not think certain things about me? How can I hide what I do not want people to see in me?

This mechanism relies heavily on excessive self-criticism as a kind of internal policeman, constantly examining whether we are walking the “correct” social, familial or group path – even when we assume we are very independent and “do not care what people think of us”.

The truth is that we do care, even when it seems we do not. No human being is free of the desire, conscious or unconscious, to have others think well of them. And even if we pretend not to care, we still feel a certain relief when we sense that not everything that truly happens inside us has been exposed.

Thus, a wide range of freedom, enjoyment, spontaneity, self-discovery, pleasure and adventure may drift away from us simply because, in some inner way, they are felt to contradict the need “to continue belonging”.

A person who comes to paint after not painting for many years, if lacking the appropriate mindset or proper guidance, will ask themselves – consciously or unconsciously – “What must I do so that I produce something beautiful, something that can truly be called a painting?” They will move the brush and immediately feel pain, fear and disappointment: “I don’t know how to paint, I can’t paint, I have no talent for this, what was I thinking?”

What lies behind this inner dialogue? The need to belong, to be “okay”. Behind the desire to create a beautiful painting lies another desire – to have others confirm that the painting is worthy, good and valuable. That those who see it will feel comfortable with it, perhaps even admire it. Deep inside, the person thinks: “It would not be okay for me to paint something that is not considered a painting. It would not be okay to decide on my own that I can paint without being given confirmation that I am truly capable.”

At this point, excessive self-criticism will step in and stop the person. It will persuade them to put the brush down; it will tell them that it is “not beautiful”, “not good”, “not worthwhile”, and it will add unpleasant feelings of non-belonging, as if someone who paints in such a way cannot be part of the socially accepted consensus.

Ultimately, this person – who deep inside longs to paint and even needs to paint, yet grew up with internal assumptions that prevent them from doing so – loses their identity within the crowd, without the crowd doing anything at all. The entire drama unfolds within the person, a drama that began in childhood, within a social environment that severely restricts the possibilities for diverse and authentic expression.

Such an environment is sustained by the ongoing activity of excessive self-criticism. Yet when one learns to reduce it consistently, one becomes able to experience moments of identity-return, of renewed permission to act, explore, play and discover – of permission to be who one truly is.

How uplifting it is to know that this situation can indeed be changed, that excessive self-criticism can be reduced, and that one can reclaim one’s natural essence, while updating the exaggerated need to belong to the consensus – a need that in many cases distances a person from themselves.

Exercise 15: Answer the following five questions

Are you aware of the natural aggressive parts within you?
What is your relationship with these parts? Do you resist their existence? Do you feel angry at them? Do you not understand what to do with them?
Are you willing to consider the possibility that part of your being is to attack yourself, almost routinely and daily, through excessive criticism?
Do you have difficulty with the idea that you possess self-directed aggression through excessive criticism? Does it seem exaggerated to describe things in this way?
What will happen when you succeed in channeling your natural aggression into expressions of release, initiative and new action?

Chapter 16: The Fear of Being Alone With My Truth

This chapter deals with a highly significant illusion, one that is essential to recognize and address, because it prevents a person from entering pathways of development, growth, creativity and expression – often without realizing it. This illusion competes with a person’s ability to be loyal to themselves, to their path, to their essence, to their beauty, to their creativity, to their desires, and to everything that characterizes and distinguishes them.

This illusion is strongly maintained by excessive self-criticism, which transmits messages meant to keep the person within an inner experience that does not reflect what could truly unfold in their life. Because this experience induces great fear – at times even existential fear – it succeeds in preventing the person from seeing the whole story, a story that could meaningfully support their developmental needs and, at the same time, also help reduce their excessive self-criticism.

Every person has, to a large extent, a type of “truth” – a worldview that is unique to them and only to them. It is a kind of mental fingerprint that reflects the uniqueness that distinguishes each person from all other human beings. This uniqueness can come forth in many forms of expression, which a person can manifest if they feel free and capable of expressing them, and if they do not feel that doing so endangers them or may lead them into places where they do not wish to be.

One of the reasons many people relinquish, entirely unconsciously, their beautiful and unique truth – which one could even say is the divine truth within them – is the illusion constructed around the strong need to belong and to be part of a group. When the need to belong becomes too strong, and the longing for inner truth and individuality becomes weak or weakened, a person may imagine that if they hold on to their unique truth, they will find themselves alone and isolated.

Thus it happens that many people, who could have enjoyed and grown with the “divine diamonds” they brought with them into the world, choose – without any conscious intention – to give up access to them in exchange for a type of belonging that is mediocre at best. This kind of belonging forces a person to give up parts of themselves and parts of their uniqueness, merely to feel that they belong to some group. Sometimes this group truly exists, and sometimes it is a collection of internalized social messages – “codes of belonging” – to the social environment they wish, or at least hope, to belong to.

And this is the illusion: my truth might make me lonely. My unique truth, therefore also my “strange” truth – the one I myself sometimes struggle to understand or express freely without receiving internal criticism – might supposedly cause others to look at me unfavorably or even prefer not to be in my company. This, as stated, is a complete illusion – even a harmful one.

For if a person prefers to spend time with those among whom they cannot express their truth or act according to it, then they are condemning themselves to a far greater loneliness: both social loneliness and inner loneliness. It is a loneliness in which the person forces themselves to turn away from themselves, to deny the unique qualities they brought into the world, and consequently to deny the possible roles they could serve for others in ways that would also fulfil them.

Thus, many people learn, in general, to distance themselves and withdraw from subjects related to the pursuit of truth. Once they have accustomed themselves to turning away from their own truth, to invalidating its existence, and to blending into a social atmosphere in which their unique fingerprint is lost, they expand this pattern into other areas where there is a struggle for truth, a search for truth, and journeys toward truth. Such areas evoke questions they will not be able, or will not want, to answer.

Over this “orchestra”, which exists in every human being to varying degrees, excessive self-criticism conducts. It is the one that will do everything in its power to keep a person embedded within mediocre, low-level belonging – belonging whose behavioral code includes the self-cancellation of any truth that might contradict the consensus.

Indeed, anyone who undergoes significant processes of transformation or deep change in their personality reports a renewed connection to their truth, achieved through a challenging journey of decisions and encounters with old habits that forced them to lie to themselves and to distort themselves. Anyone who goes through a process of spiritual awakening discovers within themselves a new truth, one that had been present all along but was too concealed due to excessive self-criticism internalized as the “requirements” of a society with very little tolerance for difference and for wide-ranging individuality.

The fear of being alone with my truth – which, as stated, is nothing more than an illusion – is a deeply significant fear that reveals a vast story about the society in which we live. People fear loneliness, fear being cast out, fear being unsupported, fear being completely alone on their path. There is no place for judgment toward such people, because they are the product of a social system that pressures them – primarily through internalized excessive self-criticism – to feel this way and to make choices accordingly, unconsciously.

However, when a person chooses to study and practice reducing excessive self-criticism, they discover how false it is, how much it distorts reality, and how many unnecessary, exaggerated and irrelevant fears it plants within them through its excessive messages. When a person learns about the exaggerations and distortions of excessive self-criticism, they can reevaluate, slowly and gradually, their relationship with their truth – a truth they could not access due to years of being dominated by excessive criticism.

To many people, this idea sounds surprising – the idea of truth as something that leads to loneliness. It is surprising because many have never fully experienced the price paid by someone who does not give up their truth despite threats of social rejection and lack of acceptance. It is also surprising due to the denial surrounding this issue, a denial also produced by excessive self-criticism, which forces the person to create around their truth an illusion of irrelevance, to the point where it no longer appears to be truth at all.

This is a profoundly significant challenge within human society, a challenge that explains many phenomena, decisions and behaviors. A person who grows to be someone who does not give up their truth – at least enough to arouse interest and the need to undertake journeys of inquiry and change – is relatively rare. Such a person must pass through certain moments of not belonging and not fitting into their environment.

Yet this “loneliness” ultimately proves to be temporary – and even valuable. Through it, a person learns the importance of belonging to themselves, the pleasure within it, and the freedom that comes from no longer needing to pretend on a daily basis – a condition that ultimately creates a far deeper loneliness.

Thus, ultimately, this is an illusion one must pass through when seeking development and the discovery of inner beauty, personal expression, growth, creativity and transformation. It is an illusion because the people we genuinely want around us are precisely those who recognize our truth, resonate with it, support it, and feel comfortable with it – usually people for whom their own truth is also deeply important.

If we are surrounded by people who maintain a silent agreement to hide their truth from one another, then we are indeed in a deep loneliness – one so influential that we will tend to avoid anyone who lives fully in their truth, because they would remind us of our own loneliness and stir painful feelings.

Thus, constantly and consistently, a kind of struggle emerges between excessive self-criticism and the person’s simple, steady truth. Excessive self-criticism tries to label truth as something that leads to loneliness, whereas truth, in fact, is the only path through which a person can find the supportive and suitable environment meant for them.

Only one choice remains: which side to stand on. The side that collaborates with excessive self-criticism and creates hidden loneliness under the illusion of belonging, or the side that opposes it, willing to encounter moments of not belonging but using them to clarify where their true place is and who the real people worth being near truly are.

Exercise 16: Answer the following five questions

How would you assess, at this moment, your general ability to refuse, set boundaries, and say “this ends here!” when needed?
Are you willing to practice, from this moment on, greater decisive assertiveness toward your excessive self-criticism?
What firm statements would you like to say to your excessive criticism when it bothers you? Give several examples.
Why do you think it is often difficult for us, as human beings, to refuse and set boundaries when doing so is important and necessary for us?
What will happen when your relationship with your excessive criticism evolves into one where you respond to it with greater assertiveness?

Chapter 17: The Fear That Others Will Discover What Is Quietly Unfolding Inside Me

The need to belong – and therefore also the need to “be acceptable” in the eyes of others – lies, as previously noted, at the center of the excessive self-criticism within a person. Excessive self-criticism “tracks” our actions, emotions, desires, yearnings, and thoughts, and seeks to ensure that we are walking along the supposedly “normal” path, that we remain sufficiently “acceptable” to continue belonging to some consensus we desire to be part of, sometimes consciously and often unconsciously.

One of the things that consistently and continuously clashes with this “mission” of excessive self-criticism – the mission of “being acceptable” – is human authenticity. We will examine this conflict from several angles later on. Here we focus on the fact that within a person’s inner spaces exists a kind of freedom that is extremely difficult to restrict. This is the freedom of the emotional world, the movement of thoughts, the movement of desire, instincts, impulses, and everything else that unfolds within a person’s private inner realm.

Within a person’s inner world there are many contents they wish would remain “just for them” and not be revealed outward. All kinds of thoughts they consider “strange”, all kinds of desires they perceive as “improper” or “unacceptable”, dreams they feel embarrassed to share with others, and sensations they themselves cannot fully understand or interpret. The excessive self-criticism seeks to shrink and limit this inner freedom of the mental and emotional world.

Just as excessive self-criticism is exaggerated, so it seeks to create the opposite condition within a person’s emotional and experiential life – to turn it into something limited, unsurprising, non-spontaneous, not curious, not renewing, and not free. Excessive self-criticism “fears” that the internal world will itself become “excessive”, and thus spill outward and be exposed. In that moment, it “believes”, it will fail in its central task – to keep the person aligned with the consensus, while preventing them from revealing just how different, unique, one-of-a-kind, unpredictable, original, creative, and path-defining they truly are.

When a person becomes accustomed to the presence and authority of their excessive self-criticism, they gradually learn – through repeated encounters with it – to fear their authentic and genuine story, without even knowing what that story is.

Worse still, that ongoing negative dialogue with excessive self-criticism convinces the person that within them, deep inside, there are many things that… it is better that no one will ever know. Not because these things are “terrible”, as the person has been led to believe, but because the long-term influence of excessive self-criticism convinced them that significant parts of their authentic, original, and primordial nature contain “problematic elements” or elements “unsuitable” for contemporary culture and social norms.

It is worth noting that this fear – the fear of broad exposure of “what is truly inside me” – exists, in one form or another, within every person. And yet it hides from us one of the sweetest and most connecting human experiences: the experience of being completely open-hearted, of being transparent.

Ultimately, human beings carry a constant longing to “confess”, to release their “secrets”, to free themselves from the burden of holding inside everything that supposedly “must not be said” or “must not be revealed”.

Of course, it is neither possible nor appropriate to expose every inner content to every person without boundaries. All that is needed is a reasonable level of self-critique – without relying on the excessive form, the painful and frightening form, that leaves no room for judgment and choice regarding when, how much, and with whom sharing is appropriate.

In general, excessive self-criticism creates in a person, in an exaggerated and amplified way, a broad sense of “I am not okay” across many domains. It begins internally – in their thoughts, instincts, impulses, wishes, desires, and in the places where they see things differently or uniquely compared to the majority.

The fear that “others will discover what is quietly unfolding inside me” is a classic example of the damage excessive self-criticism causes to a person’s ability to feel comfortable with themselves, and also to their ability to form relationships grounded in authenticity and direct, open emotional communication. Excessive judgment around “what is allowed to be thought” or “what is legitimate to feel” creates internal “monsters” that would never have developed into the level of a “monster” had the excessive self-criticism not labeled them as such, and had it not exaggerated its negative assessment of them and the possible consequences of revealing them.

When a person builds “monsters” inside themselves, they also build within themselves an ongoing fear of themselves – of the correctness of their path, of their creative ideas, of their originality, and ultimately of almost everything that makes their authentic inner world unique. This inner world – to which excessive self-criticism gains nearly unrestricted access – becomes a place that is difficult to inhabit. Within such a place, a person begins to create separate compartments of secrecy, inner rooms in which they cannot even bear to look at certain contents themselves.

This need to “belong” and “be acceptable” thus becomes, over time, and in service of excessive self-criticism, a source of “inner conflicts” within the person. In these conflicts, whatever wishes to emerge naturally and uniquely encounters walls, “no entry” signs, and various forms of exclusion – all arising from an escalating, unregulated fear that “they will discover what is unfolding inside me quietly”.

These “conflicts” prevent a person from bridging the gap between who they truly are and the environment around them, and worse, between who they truly are and who they have learned to believe they are “supposed to be”.

When a person learns, through various means, to dismantle the power of excessive self-criticism – which has essentially become a public norm today – they begin to experience a gradual process of renewed validation of their inner world, and a softening of the fear of revealing more of themselves to the external world. This is especially true when it comes to people with whom sharing is possible, with the knowledge that they will not respond with judgment and criticism, but with love and support for the courage and willingness to share.

This topic has very significant social implications. The inner walls – and later the outer ones – constructed to ensure that “nobody will know what is truly inside me” create tension and exaggerated separation between people. They make processes of connection, understanding and mutual recognition extremely difficult, and eventually can lead to situations that deteriorate into harm or violence, as a result of accumulated tension stemming from the prevention of authenticity from flowing between individuals. Authentic flow is what allows trust, love, closeness and co-creation.

For this reason, among others, it is of great importance to learn how to reduce excessive self-criticism, and to improve our ability to recognize how it operates and influences a person’s life – internally and interpersonally. When we have less to hide, we have less need to hide, deceive, pretend, or manipulate. When we have less to hide, we can truly know one another, come closer to one another, and support one another.

When we learn to fear less the exposure of what is within us, we can dismantle those “monsters” we developed in the shadows – in the inner spaces we hid excessively from the world.

To allow the sunlight to penetrate and heal the basements of “forbidden zones” we cultivated within ourselves, we must understand the mechanism that caused us to flee from our true story and to be frightened by it. We must learn how to free ourselves from the habit of living under that mechanism, and begin discovering new, gentler, and more creative ways to exist with ourselves and with those around us.

Exercise 17: Answer the five questions

What immediate emotional reactions arise in you when you hear the word “lie”? How do you feel about the atmosphere of this word?
Are you willing to accept the possibility that you are, in fact, lying to yourself through excessive self-criticism, many times?
If excessive criticism is, for the most part, deceptive, what is the truth that is not being spoken in its place?
How do you feel when you discover that someone is lying to you? And how does this connect to the fact that you do the same to yourself without noticing?
Are you willing to forgive yourself, even just a little, for allowing your excessive self-criticism to lie to you and even convince you of its lies?

Chapter 18: Self-Criticism and the Superego

This chapter, and the two chapters that follow it, deal with one of the most significant and elusive aspects of excessive self-criticism. It is an aspect that, as I will explain here, is well known in common psychological theories: the fact that excessive self-criticism “punishes” us.

This aspect is not easy to identify for someone who does not know it or does not yet recognize it, because it belongs to a rather dramatic and extreme inner experience. However, without recognizing and understanding that this is indeed how excessive self-criticism works, and that this is a central part of what makes it “excessive”, it is not really possible to deal with it successfully or to bring about change in the complex relationship a person has with this inner part that developed within them without their awareness.

The concept of the “superego” entered human culture from the work of Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalytic psychology and of what is now called dynamic psychology. The therapeutic style in this approach is usually long-term and based on talking sessions whose purpose is to reach the deep levels of human conflicts and pains, in order to allow processes of change and healing to take place there.

The term “superego” is usually defined as an unconscious part of human existence. Its purpose is to “monitor” thoughts, sensations and feelings, as well as choices and actions, in order to ensure that the person does not step outside boundaries that, so it is assumed, must not be crossed, whether on the level of thought or on the level of action. To a great extent the superego can be seen as a very highly developed conscience, or as an internal control system whose role is to prevent the instinctual, “wild”, animal part of the human being from gaining too much freedom, in a way that might supposedly endanger the person and their surroundings.

According to the common view, the superego tries to neutralize such situations in a person by creating a sharp experience of pain, by generating guilt, shame and a sense of misalignment. This happens when the superego “detects” that a person has thought or acted in a way that does not match the value system inscribed within the superego as one that must not be violated under any circumstances.

It is commonly held that the superego develops in early childhood as a kind of internalization of the accepted values of the family and the environment. The child learns to become “their own educator” in an unconscious way, and thus learns to limit themself and even to hurt themself whenever they act, or even think, in ways that are “not acceptable” or “not worthy”.

It is also customary to assume that opposite the superego stands its counterpart, the “id”, which represents the wild, instinctual, animal and unbounded aspect of the human being. This aspect is likely, supposedly, to behave in a way that is not moral or not properly limited, usually around issues of sexuality and aggression.

This is the familiar theory: there are two unconscious parts in the person that are in a kind of “competition” with each other. On one side stands the freer, more instinctual part, and on the other side stands the “cultural”, “mature”, “responsible” part, which creates experiences of pain and punishment whenever the person finds themself “slipping” into expressions that the superego considers dangerous socially or in any other respect.

The Psycho-Creative path expands this theory and shifts its foundations into the realm of conscious experience, and not only the unconscious. Here we relate to excessive self-criticism, which can easily be noticed and felt at the conscious level. Moreover, there is a real possibility to moderate the degree of its influence and the nature of its involvement in everyday life.

We also broaden the range of “interests” of excessive self-criticism far beyond the restriction of sexual and aggressive impulses. We present excessive self-criticism as a force whose purpose is to restrict, in a wide way, the free spirit in a person. It restricts initiative, creativity, imagination and originality, as well as autonomy and uniqueness. Excessive self-criticism seeks to influence a person to be as little different as possible from others, and to keep them in a narrow range of what is perceived as “normal and acceptable” in the social environment in which they live.

At the same time, the excessive self-criticism described here works in a way that is very similar to what is attributed to the superego, in the sense that it too creates in a person a sense of “being punished” or the inner experience of “I now deserve punishment”. It causes a person to feel unwell with themself, unworthy of love, affection, belonging, respect and appreciation. Under its influence, self-criticism can lead a person to feel small and insignificant, weak and lacking the ability to positively influence the reality of their life.

Similar to the activity of the superego, a person tends to believe in their self-criticism far too much. This is what gives excessive self-criticism such a strong power to influence and to generate these unpleasant feelings. When it is seen as an unconscious component only, as in the traditional way of talking about the superego, the person has far less ability to cope with the negative reactivity that occurs when the superego is “activated”. In the Psycho-Creative approach, however, the person learns to recognize as clearly as possible how their self-criticism operates, to identify it in the very moment it is active, and even to build a positive, personal stance toward it, whose purpose is to contradict the harsh, negative and “absolute” messages that excessive self-criticism tends to send.

In the Psycho-Creative approach we turn excessive self-criticism into a kind of “inner figure” whose traits, patterns and modes of action can be described. We can describe the different ways it tends to appear and to transmit its rigid and punitive messages. With this “figure” we have an ongoing relationship, and in many cases a very conscious one. It is a relationship we can influence much more than we usually know, and we can guide it toward new places that are more pleasant and productive for us.

Moreover, we even “use” the presence of excessive self-criticism in order to teach ourselves to rise above our habitual patterns, which usually involve harsh self-criticism, and to cultivate more courage to change, to grow, to create and to connect with our own desire and our own dreams.

This is the major difference between the Psycho-Creative path and the common way of thinking about the superego in modern psychology. We see excessive self-criticism as a major challenge, as a representation of our quiet fears. This representation allows us to take ourselves into processes of transformation and change that we might never have bothered to initiate if not for the heaviness and the recurrent internal punishment generated by excessive self-criticism.

The greatest transformation that can be described in relation to excessive self-criticism, and which usually does not appear in discussions about the superego, is this: the very existence of excessive self-criticism is a kind of message to the person. It tells them how far they are from their freedom, from their authentic expression, from their creativity and from their self-love.

In this way, those “punishments” that come from excessive self-criticism, similarly to those attributed to the superego, become for us a kind of catalyst for personal development. Among other things, the results of this development will gradually be reflected in a significant reduction in the influence of self-criticism. This reduction can be noticed at the conscious level, and in all likelihood it also leads, deep inside, to a decrease in the level of activity of the superego itself.

Answer the following five questions:

What are the most important things to you in your daily routine?
Which parts of your routine could be made more flexible instead of being treated as absolute necessities?
What happens to you when your routine is disrupted by something unexpected?
In what way can you gently “challenge” your routine and introduce adventure or surprises that were not there before?
Do you remember a situation in which your routine was seriously disrupted and in the end it turned out for the better?

Chapter 19: Being a Shamed, Scolded and “Not OK” Child (Also a kind of belonging…)

Being a shamed, scolded and “not OK” child. This is one of the core experiences that excessive self-criticism creates in a person. Is there any real reason why you should find yourself, again and again, in such experiences, in which you turn into a shamed, scolded and “not OK” child? Is there any logic that can justify being thrown into such experiences, with all the unpleasantness that accompanies them?

Excessive self-criticism is an internal invention of the human being. It resides inside each person individually, yet it also has an almost universal character. We could say that excessive self-criticism has a kind of “success” in creating quiet control over a mass of people, by cultivating within them a punitive mechanism. This mechanism is meant to ensure a certain style of behavior, choices and decisions, and of course to ensure avoidance of many things that this harsh self-criticism “demands” that the person will not get close to.

Are you willing to admit that there are moments, which happen very quickly and carry a lot of pain and confusion, in which you are “thrown back” within a split second to childhood scenes in which you were small in front of a world that was unclear, and sometimes harsh and arbitrary? Moments in which you unconsciously adopted a narrative absorbed from the general atmosphere, a narrative that led you to feel shamed and scolded?

Furthermore, there is a deep paradox at the heart of such moments. Because they are such an integral part of the current human social structure, they carry within them a dual message. On the one hand, the experience of shame and of being “scolded and not OK” necessarily makes a person feel “unworthy” and, in many ways, “not belonging”. On the other hand, there is something in these very experiences that creates a strange form of belonging.

This is how it works: if the unpleasant experiences connected with excessive self-criticism are widespread and familiar, and if in the end they happen to everyone, then part of our sense of belonging will be created there as well. The person feels that they “take part” in something that others are also going through, since everyone is exposed, from time to time, to reproaches and to the sense of shame that accompany excessive self-criticism, as long as it is not itself held under a moderating and balancing control.

This is one of the quiet, difficult-to-understand reasons for the continued existence of excessive self-criticism in so many people, and for its status as part of what is considered “normal”. There is a broad and deep internalization of the idea that there is a kind of “belonging” that passes through the negative experiences it produces. Of course this is a low-quality belonging that does not serve the person well, but it is still “belonging”, and many times a person will do almost anything in order to maintain what they perceive as a way “to belong”.

From another direction, a person has great difficulty standing up to their excessive self-criticism and confronting it with the fact that it is exaggerated, unnecessarily painful and punishes them in a disproportionate way. One of the reasons for this difficulty is a deep and unconscious fear of behaving differently from “the herd”, and thus leaving themself alone and not belonging. We continue to maintain excessive, limiting and narrowing self-criticism, among other reasons, because of the feeling that in this way we go on belonging to a community, a group or any social environment that we want, consciously or unconsciously, to continue to belong to.

We must not underestimate this part of the story. It is a large part, and perhaps even too large. It is hard for us to grasp at times how far we are willing to go in order to maintain what we see as “belonging”, including, if needed, causing ourselves pain and harming ourselves, if that is what seems necessary to keep feeling part of the “tribal fire”.

To a large extent this is a broad social and cultural question that eventually arrives at the level of the individual. Is there any educational or developmental value in using tools such as shame, or the induction of a feeling of “I am not OK”? Have we paused for a moment to consider the real cost of this mechanism, and whether it truly serves any worthy goal in proportion to the pain it contains?

This question is very important for our learning process here, about excessive self-criticism and our recognition of it as “excessive”. When, to some degree, it is taken for granted that events of “I am ashamed of myself” or “I am not OK” are an inseparable part of the social, family or communal landscape, a distorted norm arises regarding the legitimacy of excessive self-criticism.

When we do not stop to ask what is the actual value, which is very questionable, of instilling shame or the feeling “I am not OK”, we are in fact allowing this element, which appears quite often in human life, to go on existing, functioning and influencing. When such a phenomenon receives quiet legitimacy for its existence, it becomes difficult to see that it is an unreasonable and excessive action, one that should be reduced as much as possible, and whose costs we need to recognize clearly.

When a person feels, as a result of some unpleasant event, like a “shamed child”, they experience themself as punished, as unworthy and as “not valuable”. Feelings of this kind have almost no chance of creating in them any motivation for meaningful change or learning of real value. These feelings diminish the person, diminish their self-worth and diminish their ability to understand themself, their actions and their thoughts. They focus them around an atmosphere of fear and lack of value.

Such feelings compete directly with a person’s ability to take responsibility for their mistakes and to correct them in a way that truly creates change and learning. They pull the person away from the ability to improve and become more effective, because improvement and becoming more effective cannot grow in an atmosphere of fear. They can develop only in an atmosphere of taking responsibility, combined with self-empathy and with empathetic surroundings that recognize the human weaknesses we all share.

We do not need ourselves, or the people around us, to be shamed. We need ourselves and others to stand with courage in front of our difficulties, pains and mistakes, while knowing that even then we are loved and worthy of appreciation and trust. A mechanism such as excessive self-criticism comes to teach us, in fact, to stop using this tool inside ourselves, and from there also in relation to other people.

All of us make mistakes from time to time. All of us miss the right thing to say at times, and sometimes get carried away, in a certain mood, into a course of action that we will later regret. All of us miss the better path in certain situations. All of us have missed opportunities, and we will miss more opportunities in the future. It is almost unavoidable that this will happen, and to a large extent it is even necessary, otherwise no learning process could ever take shape in us.

This is precisely the place where it is worth recognizing how continued cooperation with excessive self-criticism disrupts a person’s possibilities for growth and development. Mistakes are not just events in which we “missed something” or “did not pay attention”. Mistakes that we notice and that truly sadden us are central learning events. In fact, they are not “missed opportunities”; they are themselves a great opportunity for change, which could not have appeared without that very “mistake”.

In such moments, there is a certain pain present, a pain that comes to signal that there are things in the emotional field that now require attention, once that “error” has occurred. In those moments the “mistake” has a special value because it attracts attention to itself, stirs an emotional experience and allows the person to look at something they could not have examined otherwise.

When, in such moments, the pain of the “incident” deteriorates, through the way excessive self-criticism manages it, into a strong experience of shame or of “I am not OK”, there is a real missing of the lesson that could have been learned precisely through that mistake. Instead of going through a process, via the pain that arose, with self-compassion, attentive listening and learning the emotional story that has been exposed, the person is swept into an unnecessary drama of shame and damage to their self-worth. At that point they can no longer see what the mistake was trying to tell them. Instead, they choose, unconsciously, a “real mistake”, which is the prevention of the healing and change process that the original mistake wanted to invite into their life.

So if this happens, if we find ourselves “punished” by excessive self-criticism, with a strong feeling of shame or “I am really not OK”, we can perhaps understand that what is happening inside us is a kind of childhood experience that has been reactivated. It is a habit that was imprinted in us years ago, when we learned to feel that we belong to the surrounding environment, among other ways, through such experiences, just as many others also learned. Now, here, it is time to dismantle and dissolve this mechanism, which is no longer valid, no longer needed and no longer useful.

If we notice that this is what is happening, it is worthwhile to pause, to breathe and to observe, and first of all to recognize that the shame is completely exaggerated and not necessary. In its place we can go inward as much as possible, with understanding, listening, empathy and a genuine willingness to learn, to grow and to change. Not through punishment, but through the healing of pain and wrapping it with love.

Answer the following five questions:

Which things in your life do you enjoy changing frequently?
Which things in your life do you prefer to change only rarely?
What is a change you long for, but currently do not feel capable of bringing about on your own?
What change would truly make you realize that the amount of control you have over your life is smaller than you thought?
If you had the means and the right conditions, what unusual or bold change would you initiate right now?

Chapter 20: Why Do We Need Punishments?

This question is one of the most important and most deceptive questions in learning the story of excessive self-criticism in a person. It touches on a kind of masochistic habit that has become part of what is perceived as “normal”, and at the same time is surrounded by far-reaching denial. Without this denial, the habit of living inside excessive self-criticism could not have continued to exist in such a widespread and central way in human life.

There is a reason, and we may discover that there is more than one, why a person agrees to “absorb” emotional punishments within themself on a regular basis, often on an almost daily basis. They are used to living like this, used to existing like this. There is a feeling inside of “this is how it is supposed to be, it cannot be otherwise, I will always meet my excessive criticism inside myself and experience the pains it causes me, this is not going to change”.

When we ask ourselves, and if we were to ask almost any person, “Why do we need punishments?” and perhaps in an even more direct way “Why do we need punishments from ourselves, on a regular basis?”, it is likely that we would not receive a clear or satisfying answer. The question itself would sound “strange” or “puzzling”. “What punishments are you talking about? I really do not understand what you mean. I do not have any tendency or agreement to experience punishments…”

As already mentioned, without the sweeping denial of this phenomenon, it is very possible that this subject would have been much more visible in the public discourse, and a book like this one would have been written many decades earlier. But since we are here, and are able to look directly at the phenomenon and acknowledge that we are dealing with a form of excessive, unnecessary and harmful inner punishment, we have no choice but to ask this question, even if at first we do not find full answers to it. Sometimes, in order to understand more deeply, we first need to dare to ask the right and difficult questions, even if they remain “in the air” for a while, without a complete and satisfying answer.

The first task in this context will therefore be to allow the level of denial and avoidance around this question to begin to decrease, in exactly the same way that we wish to decrease the level of our self-criticism. The more we reduce our denial of the fact that excessive self-criticism is a form of inner punishment, and the more we acknowledge that this inner punishment takes place routinely, the more we can return and wonder, and even find ourselves amazed, in front of this strange and essential question: why do we need punishments?

The answer to this question is simple and clear, but it is not easy to admit it. There is only one answer to the question “Why do I need punishments?” and it is this: “Because I am not OK. I deserve punishments because I am not OK”. At the experiential level there is no other answer to this question. This is the strange, automatic answer that is received in response to the strange question that is so hard to ask and that we nevertheless need to ask: why do we need punishments?

Is a person willing to recognize that deep inside them there is an almost constant feeling, or one that comes and goes, of “I am not OK”? This is the first question, a significant question of self-awareness, that it is good to pause with for some time.

The more advanced question that should follow is: is there really any valid reason for me to feel this way, and am I willing to go on agreeing to remain in this experience, or do I wish to start dealing with its presence?

One of the biggest problems, at the social level, around this issue, is the habituation and the broad consensus around this quiet and insufficiently spoken experience that lies at the base of most people’s lives, if not everyone’s. It is the experience of “I am not OK”, which sometimes even expands into an even more surprising inner statement: “I am not OK and I deserve punishment”.

This habituation creates, on one side, sweeping denial and avoidance of these feelings, a denial that prevents any change in the situation. On the other side, the same denial and the same habituation “normalize” this state, so that a person feels, as I already pointed out in the context of belonging, that there is nothing wrong in feeling “not OK” deep inside, and that it is in fact “completely OK” to feel that something “is not OK” with oneself.

The same inner mechanism that knows how to create guilt, self-flagellation, self-doubt, a sense of incompetence, pessimism, hopelessness, fear of initiative, self-condemnation for “mistakes” or “errors”, hesitations, procrastination and lack of self-acceptance, is a mechanism that eventually receives personal and social consent to go on existing. It is seen, in one way or another, as “normal”, and from here also arises the legitimacy of adopting a critical, judgmental and sometimes even hostile attitude toward other people. This is a kind of external expression of something that, internally, is considered legitimate.

At this point, where we stand now, I suggest leaving the question open, so that it can go through an inner process that will, over time, provide new and interesting answers. The question is: why do I need punishments right now? This is a question that is not meant to be answered quickly and definitively, but to be listened to. To listen to the question and to the quiet implications contained within it. As long as we cannot listen to this innocent and important question, we will not be able to change the existing balance with excessive self-criticism, which usually receives almost unlimited permission to punish as much as it can, by creating emotional pain and an experience of non-belonging and lack of value.

Do we need “punishments” in order to learn something that we did not manage to learn in any other way? In the past this was a common educational method, and perhaps it is not really only “in the past”, but still exists today, only in a slightly different style. Punish in order to teach. Punish in order to “teach a lesson”. Punish in order to set a boundary, supposedly. Punish as part of dealing with a problem.

Are we aware that we are using the tool of punishment, unconsciously, inside ourselves? Are we able to recognize that moment of shame, of inner disappointment, of exaggerated, diminishing self-reproach, that does not allow us to move anywhere, except to some “corner”, until the unpleasant feeling passes?

Awareness of the fact that this is a process of punishment is highly significant, long before we try to change it into something softer and more beneficial. There is quite a long way to go before we reach a reasonable and continuous level of awareness, at the level of feeling and experience, that “punishment events” occur much more often than we would have been able to estimate or imagine, and that they happen right inside us and can potentially occur at any moment.

When excessive self-criticism has the option to “punish” us, it ultimately creates a type of “deterrence”. This is the biggest problem that grows out of excessive self-criticism. We adopt for ourselves a style of thinking, acting and decision-making in which fear of the punishments of excessive self-criticism is already built in. We quickly arrive at a state of avoiding things that could nurture and enhance our lives, just because somewhere inside us we are afraid of an unpleasant reaction that might come from our excessive self-criticism.

Therefore, in order to begin changing the flow of things, we will stay longer with this question and try not to provide a final answer to it. Instead we will continue to ask it again and again: why do I need punishments? We will ask the question in an innocent and open way and be willing to hear many different answers. The more this question is asked, the more the quiet mechanisms of deterrence will be revealed and exposed, and the more clarity we will gain about the nature of the experience that takes place when excessive self-criticism is active. When these elements begin to “move” within us, we will be able to advance further in learning the tools for reducing excessive self-criticism.

Answer the following five questions:

How would you currently assess the level of activity of your “initiative muscle” in your life?
Give an example of something you initiated in the past, even though some people around you were not enthusiastic or supportive.
What emotional changes do you experience when you are operating at a higher-than-usual level of initiative?
Are you willing to take a risk and initiate something connected to your passion, even if it might not succeed this time? How would you support yourself in coping with such a possible failure?
What initiative do you fantasize about taking sometime in the future? And is there a way you might “bring that future closer” to yourself, even a little?

Chapter 21: Excessive Self Criticism Creates a Hostile Inner Courtroom

One of the greatest gifts a person can give themselves, a gift that has a deep and far reaching impact on their life within the process of learning and awakening to the presence of excessive self criticism, is the understanding that this criticism creates within them an inner space that resembles a hostile courtroom. It is a place to which the person is “taken” again and again, without choosing it and without any real justification for such a harsh sentence.

The word “judgmental” describes very accurately this inner atmosphere. It has many symbolic characteristics of an event that takes place in a courtroom. Yet in this inner courtroom there is no attempt to seek truth or justice, and no genuine effort to resolve a conflict. It is a hostile space in which the person, who suddenly finds themselves in the role of the accused, stands before an inner figure who functions as the prosecutor, while they themselves have no real right of defense. There is no inner voice of advocacy that stands by their side, no figure that protects them, and no one who challenges the one sided process that takes place within them at those moments.

Within this inner courtroom the person quickly turns from someone “suspected” of having done something wrong into someone who is fully and absolutely guilty. This happens without any process of clarification, without the presentation of arguments, and without any real proof. There is no proof because such proof simply does not exist. What is taking place is a state of harsh self judgment in which the person is both the judge and the prosecutor, and within this process they do not allow themselves to stand up to the judgmental atmosphere or to question it. They are pulled into a drama that they themselves are replaying inside, again and again, usually without any awareness that this is what is happening.

This is a hostile courtroom that the person built for themselves and continues to operate themselves. It is no wonder that the fear of excessive self criticism is so strong, because violating even one of its strict inner rules may instantly drag the person into this judgmental space, where they are declared guilty and even worthy of punishment.

Even if this description sounds somewhat figurative, it accurately reflects an inner atmosphere that is familiar to many people, especially when things do not work out as expected, or when patterns of difficulty, disappointment and self reproach repeat themselves. In such moments, the emergence of excessive self criticism drags the person very quickly into this inner courtroom, and the internal drama unfolds almost without their conscious participation.

At this point a question arises: is it possible to stand up against this inner courtroom? Can a person decide not to participate any longer in this internal drama in which they play, at the same time, the judge, the prosecutor and the accused, without any real chance of being heard or understood? Why does a person return again and again to stand before this inner court that leaves them almost no room to breathe?

A person can begin to stand up against this inner courtroom that they have built only if, before anything else, they are willing to recognize that it exists. That recognition becomes possible only when they learn to identify their self criticism as excessive and disproportionate. They can choose to leave this courtroom only when they clearly see that they are being pulled into it again and again, and that they themselves are playing all the roles within it.

It is not easy to admit that we create within ourselves such a harsh inner atmosphere, that we are the ones who judge ourselves with exaggerated severity. It is not easy to acknowledge the quiet masochism that we maintain inside, sometimes on a daily basis, without calling it by its true name.

We tend to judge ourselves not only with great severity, but also with very high frequency. We tend to be drawn into this inner courtroom in which our entire perception narrows into a very limited point of view that cancels complexity, cancels understanding, and cancels compassion toward ourselves. This space narrows reality into a one dimensional story that repeats itself again and again, without any real change.

At this stage it may be helpful to pause and ask:

Why do I need such a hostile inner courtroom?
Am I aware of the existence of such a space within me?
Am I willing to re examine the way I behave inside the courtroom I myself created?
What would happen if I chose to be absent from it for a while, or even for longer periods of time?
What scares me about living with less self judgment and less inner blaming of my thoughts, feelings and choices?

These questions are not meant to receive one single answer. They are meant to open inner space, to widen awareness of the pattern, and to create a first crack in a mechanism that continues to operate mainly because we do not fully notice it.

It is important to emphasize that this inner courtroom continues to convene many times even when we have already decided, in words, to stop its activity. It is a sophisticated mechanism that begins its work in unconscious regions and operates long before we become aware of it. The way to improve early recognition of it and to change the pattern is not short, but it is possible. The clearer and earlier the recognition becomes, the more real change can occur.

We are invited to cultivate compassion toward ourselves when we meet this inner courtroom. We are invited to understand that it exists because there is some inner need that has not yet found a better response. It represents pains and fears that are still searching for a path of healing, and therefore they appear again and again through the old drama of self criticism, dissatisfaction, a sense of failure, missed opportunities and injury to self worth.

For now we will mainly seek to improve our ability to recognize. We will want to learn to identify the precise moment when the inner courtroom convenes. At that moment we can say to ourselves: this is happening now, I am judging myself too harshly. The recognition itself is already the beginning of change.

The better we become at recognizing this drama, which does not reflect truth but rather creates a narrow and toxic inner reality, the more we will later be able to choose to end the courtroom session more quickly. Over time, we may even arrive at a place where the frequency of its meetings becomes very low, very rare and almost unnoticeable.

We are on the way there. And this is encouraging and heartwarming.

One last thing. The next time the inner courtroom convenes inside you, the moment you recognize it, try to pause for a second and gently smile. The smile does not erase the experience, but it reveals the mechanism. It reminds you that this is a manipulative inner move and nothing more. The more we know how to smile within this courtroom, the less power it will have to judge us.

Exercise 21: Answer the five questions

In which situations and in what forms does your self criticism prevent you from initiating, taking action or daring to do something?
What feelings does your excessive self criticism create in you when it “talks to you” while you are trying to do something new and different?
How far can you go in feeling guilt or self anger if you tried or did something and later realized that you made a mistake, missed something, failed to notice something or feel that you have messed things up?
Are you aware that procrastination and hesitation can stem from excessive self criticism? Do you have examples from your own life?
Can you recognize your excessive self criticism when you are anxious, in a low mood, or in some situation that is simply unpleasant for you to be in?

Chapter 22: There Is No Real Option to Escape the Guilt and the Sentence

One of the more paradoxical, and at times frustrating, aspects of excessive self criticism and its broad influence is the fact that a person has no real option to escape the inner consequences of this process. Once they find themselves again within the harsh experience of self judgment, they enter a space in which they have no protection, no inner advocate, and no genuine ability to resist or influence the “sentence” that always arrives in the same familiar way.

Only when we truly understand that there is no way to bypass the experience of “guilt” and “sentence” that comes with the hostile inner courtroom we have built inside, and only when we look honestly at this internal court that we have been maintaining for many years, do we begin to create a real possibility for change. Only then does a different way of relating to this heavy, limiting and constricting ritual become possible. This ritual drags us again and again, seemingly against our will, into an inner place that no one would willingly choose to enter.

In order to begin dissolving the “institutions” of this inner courtroom, which arise from excessive self criticism, we must first recognize that this courtroom exists. We must see clearly that we have entered it at a particular moment. We must agree to remain there for a short while in full awareness, and look directly at this strange phenomenon that many people are completely unaware of and may even find difficult to admit exists within them.

As long as we have not watched directly how we ourselves judge ourselves, how we arrive at extreme conclusions about ourselves, how we declare ourselves guilty and even punish ourselves, as long as we try to escape this mirror and refuse to look at it, we will continue to be taken again and again into that inner place without any real ability to change it. Yet the moment we stop diverting our gaze, stop resisting this uncomfortable inner reality, and start to recognize it, perhaps even with a little smile and compassion, a true journey of reducing excessive self criticism begins.

Perhaps it really is worth smiling in front of this impressive inner show that we have been producing for so many years. Perhaps we can recruit a somewhat humorous, creative and kinder attitude toward the drama we enter without noticing that we ourselves wrote its script, we direct it and we play all the roles in it. This is a judgmental inner space that we manage within ourselves, and this is perhaps the hardest part to grasp. Yet if we pause for a moment and look from the side, we may see that the figure who judges, the one who accuses and the one who is accused are all us. This recognition already begins to change the entire picture.

Here we encounter an important principle worth stopping at. If I have chosen a certain way, even if I did so unconsciously, then I have the potential ability to choose a different way as well. The capacity for choice always exists, even if we do not use it. Just as I can choose to enter again and again into the inner courtroom, so I am capable of choosing not to enter it. Choice is choice. If I have the ability to choose something harmful, I certainly have within me the ability to choose something new that I have never tried before.

This is how it works in practice. As long as a person does not learn to choose “otherwise”, they will continue to choose the familiar path. They will do so automatically, out of habit. As long as they do not stop for a moment and allow themselves to smile from the recognition of the inner manipulation that takes place there, as long as they do not expand their awareness of the essence of this drama, they will continue to lead themselves into the same inner space where there is no way to escape the “guilt” and the “sentence”, simply because this is still the path they are choosing.

Again it is important to emphasize something that is not easy to emphasize. In the performance of excessive self criticism and inner courtroom, all the “roles” are played by the person themselves. This is their story, their unconscious choice, a creation that was built in them since childhood. Most of the time they are unaware that this is just one story among many possible inner stories. It is a story they still believe in and continue to participate in even though it causes pain, limitation and constriction.

From here emerges the central question that a person who seeks to reduce excessive self criticism is meant to ask themselves, again and again:

How long, and to what extent, am I willing to serve as my own judge?
How long am I willing to keep producing the courtroom in which I am always guilty?
How long will I keep cooperating with a drama that I myself built and maintain?
Am I willing to take responsibility for the fact that this guilt is an inner invention of mine, that does not truly reflect what is happening in my life?

Along with these questions it is vital to acknowledge the facts. This mechanism exists. It is active. It is present. It can awaken at any moment. There is no real option to escape it as long as we are not willing to see it and admit that it is there. It is an old, practiced and automatic mechanism that operates in us because this is how we have become used to living. Recognizing its existence is a necessary step on the way to change.

From this place, where we no longer deny the existence of a hostile inner courtroom that convenes within us from time to time without really asking our permission, we can begin to change our relationship with excessive self criticism. We can begin to see how absurd this drama is, how illogical it is, and how unnecessary it is to continue taking part in it.

Looking ahead, there are tools that can soften, reduce and gradually transform the inner experience of “guilt” and “sentence”. These tools can only work once we are willing to see what is happening, to accept that this structure is something we created unconsciously, and to begin asking new questions about our willingness to let it continue operating in the future and about ways to relate to it differently.

Even at this very moment, as you read these lines, your excessive self criticism is present. Perhaps it is relatively quiet right now, not actively judging you, yet it is there. It is good to acknowledge its presence. It is good to know that this inner force that opposes free flow, spontaneity, change and joy still exists within you.

And still, at some point, when something does not work exactly as you expected, it will awaken again. The courtroom will be called to convene. You will probably feel once more the judgment and the discomfort. What will change, over time, is your awareness. Awareness will grow, recognition will become sharper, and the ability to create a new, quiet and healing process will expand.

The more we know what we are dealing with, especially when it is happening in real time, the more we will learn, gradually, to soften it, to reduce it and to change it.
The direction is clear, and the journey has already begun.

Exercise 22: Answer the five questions

Which of your creative abilities do you feel are not sufficiently expressed in your life?
Which wishes and desires do you feel you are suppressing too much?
Are you aware that the previous two questions are connected to the excessive influence of your self criticism? What do you think about this right now?
Can you see the possibility that part of your personality is actually busy, non stop, preventing you from growing, expanding and changing?
How do you feel about the fact that part of your psychic energy is being used in a negative way to limit your possibilities for expansion and spontaneity?

Chapter 23: Why Do We Need to Be Guilty?

In the end, the highly convincing inner drama of a courtroom, guilt and inner punishment, which so often accompanies excessive self criticism, arises from a kind of inner permission we give these processes to take place. We are the ones who produce this story and put it into action again and again. There is no one here but us. This is something that happens only between us and ourselves.

If so, if all this depends entirely on us, why does it keep happening, even when we already recognize the phenomenon and truly do not wish for it to continue?

This happens, among other reasons, because somewhere inside us, for motives we may not fully uncover at this moment, there is a certain need to go on being “guilty” from time to time. Without this need, it simply would not happen. Without some secondary gain we receive from this problematic inner situation, it would stop existing.

As strange as it may sound, there is something encouraging in knowing that we return to the feeling of guilt because we still “need” it. Once we learn what truly drives this need, and once we discover ways to relate to it in a more fitting way, it will lose its power to lead us back into the inner courtroom. We will be able to find different ways to approach this need, ways that contain more compassion, love, softness and creativity, ways that allow it to calm down without dragging us again into painful inner places.

It is helpful to pause for a moment and linger with this question on an experiential level, by using a series of questions that are worth writing down and answering in any way that feels right:

What happens to me when I feel guilty?
What emotional processes accompany this feeling?
Do I receive any secondary gain from it?
What do I avoid when I experience this guilt, which often appears together with excessive self criticism?
What will happen to me if I live with no guilt at all? Can I even imagine such a thing?
Can I imagine a form of human and social existence in which there is no longer any need for guilt?
Do I believe that guilt has some protective role in my life?
Is there anything I can offer myself instead of this painful feeling of guilt?
Can I think of a healthier and more beneficial replacement for a feeling that mostly hurts me and paralyzes me?

Questions like these, and many others we may add, can help deepen the journey of reducing excessive self criticism and help us improve within it. It is recommended to pose these questions many times and to remain open to varied, evolving and even surprising answers. It is also useful to formulate more questions in a similar spirit, and to challenge ourselves to answer them with as much honesty, openness and courage as we can.

Among the many aspects that excessive self criticism reduces in a person, we can pause for a moment on their sense of freedom, as one example of this inner inquiry. Feelings of guilt greatly reduce our experience of freedom, our room to maneuver and our sense that we are worthy of positive and satisfying experiences. This is what happens when we feel guilty, is it not?

We can therefore add another question: am I afraid of my own freedom, and is that why I allow feelings of guilt to rule me and limit me so that I will not realize my full freedom? Do I believe, in any way, that there is something dangerous or unbalanced in my fantasies of complete freedom, and that they must be restrained through excessive self criticism and guilt?

Another very natural question can be added here, a question that helps us see this picture more broadly and clearly: were there moments in my life when I experienced a very high level of freedom and an exceptional sense of release, and at the same time felt guilt or unease, as if I am not really supposed to allow myself to move so far away from who I usually am and from the roles I usually carry? Were there especially sweet moments of freedom, of absence of worries and restrictions, that also aroused in me a discomfort of guilt and questions such as: am I allowed to feel this way? Is it really okay for me to be this free right now?

Guilt is a very “effective” tool for reducing human freedom. When a person feels guilty, most of their attention turns toward whatever they feel guilty about. In those moments they are immersed in the pain of guilt, in remorse, and in many forms of “I am not okay”.

When a person feels that they are not okay, the first thing they abandon is their freedom. A person’s true freedom begins inside, with the feeling “I am okay, I am good, I am worthy”. Out of this feeling they are free and worthy to seek and act for their freedom as a central theme in their life. When a person feels guilty, the inner foundation that could help them maintain and expand their freedom is shaken. In those moments they feel unworthy of the good things in life, and are mainly busy with a repetitive and unhelpful inner debate with an exaggerated sense of guilt, which for quite some time seems to have no way out.

Therefore, in the same breath in which we want to reduce excessive self criticism and the unnecessary and exaggerated guilt that it generates in us, it is helpful to ask ourselves many questions about the degree to which we are currently able to give ourselves more freedom than we allow ourselves at this moment.

It is very likely that our fear of broadening the range of our freedom, regardless of its specific reasons, is responsible, in one way or another, for the recurring return of guilt. Guilt gives that fear of freedom exactly what it wants: it keeps us less free, less unpredictable, less spontaneous, less surprising and, ultimately, less ourselves.

A day without guilt. Two days without guilt. An entire week with no guilt at all. Can we imagine such a scenario? What exists in such a reality, in which guilt no longer has a place, no longer has the power to decide how we will feel and how we will act? Who am I, who are you, who are we, as a human field of many people, when the element of guilt falls away from us, even if only as an imaginary exercise? What changes when guilt stops playing a central role and stops standing between us and our true freedom?

What do you think about issuing a “notice of dismissal” to your guilt, at least as a symbolic act? Can we manage without guilt? Can we take responsibility for our mistakes without sliding into the painful experience of guilt that excessive self criticism knows how to create for us so easily and quickly?

In order to reduce excessive self criticism, which will always bring with it some level of guilt, it is helpful to pause and ask many questions about how much freedom we are willing to give ourselves, about how much freedom we long for and are willing to devote resources to. Excessive self criticism, and its “partner” guilt, are present partly because the level of freedom we allow ourselves is still limited. We create this limitation, this stopping of freedom, by granting permission for excessive self criticism to operate within us without sufficient challenge.

The more we become familiar with the form of freedom that is possible for us, and the less we fear moving toward it a little more each day, the more natural it will be to feel less guilt and less criticism. We will need these artificial limitations less, and they will become unnecessary. But for this to happen, we must choose our freedom. As long as we do not choose it, the criticism will remain as it is.

Exercise 23: Answer the five questions

Give an example of a “mistake” that ended up changing your life for the better. How does it feel to revisit this “mistake” now?
In which areas of your life are you overly careful not to make mistakes and therefore avoid acting more freely?
What “good mistakes” would you wish for yourself to make in the coming months?
Do you know how to forgive yourself when you make a mistake? Do you have a concrete example?
Now, as you are here, is there a “mistake” you are willing to risk and experiment with, one that in the past you were much less ready to approach?

Chapter 24: The Unconscious Tool That Prevents Greater Freedom

This chapter and the two that follow deal with one of the painful effects of excessive self criticism, an effect that significantly harms a person’s self image, their sense of ability to cope with challenges, and their capacity to love, appreciate and recognize their own natural creativity. This effect is shame and self condemnation.

“Shame on you”
“Shame on you”

You have probably heard this expression from time to time. Perhaps, when you were a child, these words were said to you in response to some mischief or to something you did that the “grown ups” considered “immoral” or “inconsiderate”.

Can we recognize that this expression, which “sends” the person to feel ashamed of their actions, continues to be spoken quietly inside us by the excessive self criticism we have cultivated in ourselves, as a continuation of the messages we once heard at home, at school, in the neighborhood, or in youth groups?

Can we see the self damage that occurs in the very moment that this button is pressed, this mechanism that demands that the person “be ashamed” and in fact asks them to feel bad about themselves, about their very existence, about the way they act and about the choices they have made?

As described in the previous chapter, one of the unconscious aims of excessive self criticism is to limit the person’s freedom, based on the distorted notion that if they are “too free”, something undesirable will happen.

The mechanism of shame and self condemnation is one of the most dominant tools in blocking human freedom. If you have something to be ashamed of, you had better be very careful in every choice, in every initiative, in every expression, in every attempt. If you have something to be ashamed of, you had better avoid spontaneity, because you might, supposedly, do something that will make you even more ashamed of yourself. In this way a very efficient mechanism forms for blocking human freedom, the mechanism of shame and self condemnation.

Ultimately, the main answers to most of a person’s dilemmas, conflicts and stuck situations are found in different versions of freedom. When a sufficient degree of freedom exists, a person can, from within a growing sense of freedom, be honest with themselves, listen to the movements of their heart, to their inner guidance, to the inner compass that marks the way through the language of desire for change and new steps.

This is how it truly works. In order to repair things, to improve things, not to repeat mistakes and not to shame or be shamed, we do not need dramatic scoldings that send us to the “corner” so that we can “think carefully about what we did”. In that way no real change will occur, no new learning will take place, and we will not move out of the stuck and unpleasant inner and outer situations we meet in life.

This is how it truly works: excessive self criticism is not effective, among other reasons because it deprives us of freedom. While it pretends to “care for our wellbeing” and tries to set us so called “educational boundaries” through inner punishment, what it actually does is weaken the person’s connection with their inner wisdom, with their capacities for repair, transformation and healing. All these are components of human freedom, and all of them grow when the person manages to create larger and larger spaces of inner freedom.

A person’s true freedom, beyond any other form of freedom, is the freedom from excessive self criticism. Here lies their most significant freedom, regardless of achievements, status, successes, social recognition or prizes. True freedom is not found in some exotic place or in some extreme adventure. True freedom lies in the ability to reduce excessive self criticism, to neutralize its capacity to generate shame and self condemnation, and to gradually replace them with self appreciation and self acceptance.

Here we are invited into a journey toward the greatest freedom that human life can offer. This freedom is first recognized through awareness of its absence, of its limitation, and through understanding the means that prevent it from existing. As long as excessive self criticism influences us too strongly, it is hard to see this freedom or to imagine a real connection with it.

Once we begin to question the truth of shame and the truth of self condemnation, and we see how exaggerated, distorted and unnecessarily harmful they are, how they are a form of inner bullying and nothing more, and once we have the chance, for whatever reason, to taste temporary moments of release from the heaviness of shame, self condemnation and other forms of excessive criticism, we can begin to recognize that there is a very efficient and very present mechanism whose main purpose is to reduce the true freedom that could be a central part of our life. It is a freedom that is waiting for us to demand its return to us through an inner decision to significantly change our relationship with excessive self criticism.

Are you interested in this freedom? Can you imagine days and weeks in which the amount of unnecessary excessive self criticism gradually decreases? Can you imagine such a reality in which you meet yourself with more inner space, more breathing room, more choice?

Can you picture, in your mind’s eye, being released from the need to feel shame or self condemnation, to a point where you can reject them at once as they arise, in the very first moments when your excessive self criticism begins to show you, once again, how supposedly “not okay” you are?

This question is asked because a choice of direction is needed here. There is a need for commitment to a path, and for growing alertness to the illusions of excessive self criticism and its activity. This is a question you are asked to pose to yourself now, and to listen quietly to the answer that comes from within. This answer will come in a gentle, smiling frequency, made of compassion and of a choice to dismantle the old mechanisms that have prevented you from enjoying your natural freedom, which is your right, and is already yours if only you choose to move toward it and do the inner work that is needed.

There is a path of freedom and lightness, a path of being able to cope with challenges with flexibility and grace, a place of inner capability, a place in which, instead of feeling guilty or worthy of condemnation, we search for a creative, open and unconventional way to relate to whatever is not working well.

This path is a place we can practice reaching, and we can become better at walking within it. The more we understand that shame and self condemnation are completely unnecessary, that they do not reflect what is truly happening but rather areas of inner lack, the more we can build an inner relationship based on friendship, support, understanding, acceptance and empathy. This foundation is possible within every person, but it can be formed and strengthened only after a conscious choice is made to embark on a process of detoxification and liberation, as much as possible, from all expressions of inner shame, self condemnation and what is similar to them, and to begin this process as soon as possible, if we can, even in this very moment.

Exercise 24: Answer the five questions

What kind of “silly things” do you sometimes allow yourself to do?
Can you now give yourself an “official” permission to increase your daily mistakes by ten to twenty percent?
What might happen when you become more flexible and accepting toward ten to twenty percent more mistakes per day?
Do you know someone who made a mistake that at first seemed very unfortunate, and later became a source of important change?
Can you see how greater tolerance for your own mistakes could reduce the impact of your excessive self criticism? How might this influence your life in the future?

Chapter 25: This Is Not How We Deal With Pains That Need Attention

One of the paradoxical and very important things to understand in relation to excessive self criticism is the mistaken use of its mechanisms in a desperate attempt to heal emotional disharmony. This is an attempt that not only fails, but actually intensifies the difficulty and the problem, and distances the person from the path of healing and release that they are seeking.

When there is not enough recognition of how problematic and inappropriate excessive self criticism is in different situations, there are times when the human response to inner pain is self hostility and lack of self tolerance.

To someone reading these words, this may sound very surprising. How is it possible that we behave in a negative and even aggressive way towards ourselves when we are in pain. How can it be that instead of holding ourselves, comforting ourselves, soothing ourselves and giving ourselves a safe space to heal and rehabilitate the pain, we come to ourselves with accusations, feel disappointed with ourselves, and sometimes even slide into shame and self condemnation.

This is how we are, and this stems from a combination of faulty education and negative influences. All of this results in the fact that a person does not know the right way to deal with their pains. This is a way that will never be simple and short, a way that does not demand an immediate change, a way that understands that pain needs a listening, supportive and non pressing space, a space that allows honest and unhurried observation of the significant inner discomfort around a certain issue.

Instead of doing this with ourselves, instead of doing what is right, we have learned and gotten used to weighing ourselves down and shrinking ourselves precisely where we most need inner generosity, self compassion, self recognition and the sense that we are seen in a non judgmental way and certainly not from disappointment or shame. It is surprising to discover that this is exactly what excessive self criticism does to us, very often while we are already dealing with pain, difficulty and distress.

In the face of excessive self criticism, which reflects a non proportional and unregulated use of masculine energy in a person, we need to place a more active, more present and more involved feminine energy. This energy will insist on compassion instead of criticism, will not give up on emotional containment where there is lack of self tolerance, will provide a quiet space in which to stay inside pain and problem without pushing for immediate solutions, and will remind the person of the love that exists within them and of their deep need for that love, especially in the more complicated moments.

Reducing excessive self criticism is similar to a detox process, in which we learn to free ourselves from personal and cultural habits that are so deeply rooted that it is hard to recognize them as harmful, unnecessary and even superfluous habits.

And this is what we need to tell ourselves more often: this is not how we deal with pains that need attention. Every version of creating shame or self condemnation as a response to pains or to any kind of inner disharmony is a flawed, mistaken and even harmful way of relating to ourselves. As in every addiction, there is a habit here that repeatedly creates hurt and pain, and is difficult to get rid of or release.

It begins with recognition. Recognition that we are dealing here with a kind of mistake, a kind of deception, a kind of misunderstanding, and that as long as we collaborate with it, it will indeed keep leading us to unpleasant experiences such as shame, self condemnation or a vague and unexplained inner pain. This is not how we deal with the emotional challenges that we encounter routinely. We need to acknowledge that this is a way we should distance ourselves from, and at the same time we have a deep habit of continuing to move in it.

We will want to replace this way with new ways that are more suited to human needs for growth and healing. These ways can be sought and discovered in the spaces of the Psycho Creative world, but before we go out into these adventures, and also after we taste and get to know them, we will want to keep reminding ourselves that excessive self criticism tends to reappear even after deep processes of change: this is not a correct way to treat ourselves. It is a mistake, an error, an expression of inner imbalance, and we must first refuse this way and all the negative messages it delivers.

When this happens, and it cannot be prevented from happening, we must at least pause. We must identify the process while it is taking place. We must recognize the slow growth of the unpleasant feeling, of the quiet guilt feelings that are building up together with a vague shame that is not entirely clear, why it arrived and what it is trying to tell us.

When this happens, we need to observe ourselves, be aware of what is going on, breathe, and try to tell ourselves that exactly in these moments excessive self criticism is trying to take command over our inner climate. And if we allow it to do so, this is exactly how we will feel about ourselves. In such a state we may also externalize this unpleasant feeling through a difficult interaction with someone close to us, sometimes without understanding why, in that particular moment, we chose to speak or act in a way that is not helpful to anyone.

In these moments we need a higher than usual level of self compassion. In these moments we need a higher than usual level of emotional caution in our relationship with ourselves. In these moments we need a significant increase in our friendship with ourselves. These are moments in which our emotional state is generally weakened, and precisely in such times it is helpful to recruit within us our softer sides, which can give us breathing space that delays and does not allow shame and self condemnation to gain too wide a hold.

In these moments it is also helpful to look inside and find the ability to set a boundary around this emotional cloud, and to tell ourselves that these are simply moments of excessive self criticism and nothing more. This is an illusion that magnifies difficulty, and we are not obligated to join the inner drama that is being constructed. We can breathe, smile at ourselves in the mirror, perhaps practice some technique of emotional transformation, and choose to say to ourselves again and again, until we truly feel convinced from within, that this is not how we deal with pains that need attention.

In general, the journey of reducing excessive self criticism involves a great deal of use of forces of resistance. It is a journey of refusal, of rebellion, of setting new boundaries. It is a journey of learning what we need to stop doing. It is a journey of updating inner values, and of a renewed choice of how we speak to ourselves, relate to ourselves, respond to ourselves, protect ourselves, defend ourselves and stand up for ourselves.

The message of this chapter is extremely important: this is not how we treat our pains. It is likely that this message needs to be spoken and echoed countless times. This is not how we relate to pain and difficulty. In theory it sounds reasonable and obvious that we should not relate to pain and distress with a critical inner attack, yet in practice this is exactly what happens many times, automatically or almost automatically. If we do not deliver this message clearly and sharply, this is not how we treat our pains under any circumstance and for no reason, things will continue to be as they are. Excessive self criticism will be recruited and used in a way that will not only not help, but will disturb and harm the healthy coping processes we need in order to face pain.

This is a journey of learning to say no to the criticism after it already appears, even when we are in a difficult experience of pain at the same time. We do not want this temporary state of weakness to receive a wrong and restrictive response. For this we must be aware of the role of excessive criticism in such moments, and keep updating ourselves from within: this is not how we relate to the pain inside us.

Exercise 25: Answer the five questions

Think about the central “mistakes” in your life, go far back into the past. What happens when you wrap them with a lot of compassion?
What expressions or words can you offer instead of the word “mistake”?
If we come to the conclusion that there is actually no such thing as a real “mistake”, what would that do to our lives?
What frightens you most, today, about your future mistakes?
Can you wrap your next “mistakes” with love and even with gratitude, seeing them as steps that may take you to places you currently cannot even imagine yourself reaching?

Chapter 26: Freedom From Self Criticism May Be The Greatest Freedom A Person Can Ask For

This is the place to recall and emphasize: a person has no real freedom as long as there is excessive self criticism. This is a far reaching statement, but it is good that it is so, because the influence of excessive criticism is far reaching as well. It is worth repeating this statement so that we do not get confused, so that we hold the right and accurate information, so that we know what is worth focusing on, where it is right to invest our resources in order to gain more freedom, and where it is less worthwhile. Which struggles truly serve the aim of inner freedom and can yield results that will liberate us and others, and in which struggles we hardly move at all, because we remain inside a prison we are unaware of, the prison of excessive self criticism.

This prison also turns people into strangers to one another, because each person is locked inside their own fears. It becomes difficult to communicate, difficult to truly come closer. It becomes difficult to connect, to create partnerships, to understand, to meet people in depth. Each one is caught inside their own inner drama, with that inner policeman who does not allow them to be who they are.

Therefore, a person who wants freedom, and a community that wants freedom, are invited to put the topic of reducing self criticism high on their list of priorities. The moment a person is substantially freer from self criticism, the amount of things they can do, the amount of initiatives, creativity, surprises and possible changes in their life, becomes almost limitless. This is freedom. This is real freedom. As long as he or she does not have such freedom, they may be active, initiating, trying, but still very limited. They are subject to their fears and their inner blockages, and sometimes, worst of all, they are not even aware of it. They repeatedly return to inner loops, because they are unable to see a broader picture, since self criticism builds walls around them.

We want to crumble those walls. We can do that, and this is exactly what we are doing here. This is the message of this chapter: freedom from self criticism may be the greatest freedom a person can ask for.

A person walks down the street and does not know that they are wrapped in their fears. They do not know that they have healthy creative impulses in every moment. They do not know that at each crossroads of life, in every small or large decision, there is an option for change, an option for growth, an option for healing, an option for love, an option for celebration. They do not know this because self criticism is working overtime to hide all of this from them, keeping them in a very guarded place, like inside a sealed box, so that they will not change, not dare, not leave the frame, not leave the box, not surprise and not be surprised, not be real and not be authentic.

Our authenticity, for those who do not yet see this clearly enough, is not a fixed state. Our authentic self, the healthy, divine, inner and creative part of a person, is a living and breathing part that has a constant desire for change. It keeps asking what is next, what is the next step, what is the next change, what is my next challenge, what is my next stage of growth, what is my next creation, what is the next shift in my life.

Excessive self criticism cannot stand a space that has a lot of change, a lot of movement, a lot of motion and discovery. It cannot stand a space in which existing dogmas are being shaken. The more we succeed in freeing ourselves from it, and the great wonder is that we can, a large part of the work is already done simply by knowing. The ability to know, to be aware of the limitations we create for ourselves, to be aware of the prison we build inside through excessive self criticism, already constitutes a big part of the work.

After that, as we learn to do here, we begin to say no to this criticism. We initiate initiatives, we practice changes, we allow ourselves to “be cheeky” towards reality, to play with what exists, to shake self criticism and not let it run our lives. We strive for a better acquaintance with our intuition, we take steps to realize our inner potential. We are at work. At the work of liberation.

We learn not to believe the dramatic, absolute and final declarations of excessive self criticism. We say to it: no. Sorry, no. I am not buying this. This is exaggerated, this is not right for me. All your overblown theories about “impossible”, about “this is too much”, about “I cannot”, about “too early” or “too late”, about “why it cannot work”, about “why it cannot be done” – I do not accept them. It is possible. I will keep trying. I will look for my own way. This is how we learn to deal with our self criticism.

And in the end, sometimes quietly, inside our own home, without anyone else knowing, we may be doing the most important work we can do for our freedom. We are tending to the pains that created the criticism. Here lies the deeper story: usually the fears that feed the criticism arise from pains that have not been addressed.

What is so dangerous about real freedom. Real freedom is to be who I am, to meet my authentic self, including my pains, my post traumatic memories, what has been locked and sealed in inner closures so that I will not see or feel it, because it hurts too much. We invest a lot of effort so that there will not be full freedom, so that our emotional space will not open so widely that we will discover what still hurts us, which grief is not yet resolved, which old insult remains stuck, which humiliation has not been addressed. That is very painful.

What does excessive self criticism do? It shuts down the channels of flow, the channels of free expression, and in this way we keep those pains unprocessed but also out of sight. It is “more comfortable” in a way, because we are less consciously distressed, but they are still there. These pains continue to limit us, to prevent access to many important places in our lives, to block joy and happiness. As long as we do not attend to the islands of pain, the islands of inner darkness that will want to come up when we are more authentic, we remain inside our inner limitation.

In such a situation we are haunted by our pains, even if we do not admit it. We are constantly busy fleeing from ourselves, doing many things to avoid the places where it is too painful to look.

When we learn how to reduce self criticism, we develop courage, sometimes without even noticing. By opening the taps of our authentic expression, we are developing courage to see what is there. Indeed, unpleasant things will emerge, painful things, perhaps things that arouse shame. Some part of us would prefer not to see them, but we can discover that we are able to see. This is the new statement: I can.

All that needs to be done with the painful things is to look at them gently, with compassion and patience. We can create with them, paint them, write them, give them form, without judgment, without hasty attempts to fix, without endless explanations. Simply to stop running away. When we stop fleeing, something begins to soften and to release.

A new space of expression opens up for us. Suddenly, things that in the past seemed very complicated and very complex, things we wanted but told ourselves “this is impossible” because of countless limitations, become more accessible. It is as if a door opens. Many of the excuses crumble. It becomes possible to get there, to choose that, to realize it.

In the background there were pains that had been pushed away and repressed by self criticism, which “protected” us from reaching different inner and outer places. When we say to it: sorry, you are in an exaggerated role. I can deal with this. I want to open these things. I have creative tools to deal with them. I am an adult. I am strong enough to see the truth. In those moments we begin to truly taste what freedom is.

As long as we do not do this, we take our prison with us everywhere, even if we declare ourselves to be free people. This is the greatest freedom a person can ask for, and when we feel it, we know it without any doubt. In such moments a person can quietly say to themselves: I am happy. I am fulfilled. I am in harmony. I am in the right place.

Exercise 26: Answer the five questions

Imagine a situation in which your excessive self criticism is reduced by 40 percent. What will happen then in your life?
And if it is reduced by 60 percent, what then?
Are you able to recognize today situations and places in which your excessive criticism creates a kind of prison inside you?
What is the “crazy initiative” or the “exaggerated change” that would really annoy your criticism?
When do you intend to start this thing?

Chapter 27: Every Day It Begins Anew, The Ongoing Struggle For The Freedom That Was Somewhat Taken From Us

Why is it so important to learn about inner leadership. Because most of the things we really need in life are found within us. This is not an empty saying and not merely a cliché, but a description of human reality as it truly operates. And yet this is very confusing. Many of us are programmed to think that what we need is outside, and if we did not receive it we feel frustrated, deprived, abused, or that something precious has been taken from us.

In doing so, we are making a basic mistake. We are giving up the understanding that our real assets cannot be taken from us at all, unless we are the ones who relinquish them ourselves. We place walls between us and the abundance within us, between us and the love, the creativity, the intuition and the inner knowledge of how to adapt to changing circumstances. Freedom is here, inside, and as long as we live in the illusion of external control, and as long as we lack inner leadership, we are indeed subject to external control and therefore suffer more, are more restricted, less joyful and less fulfilled.

When there is no inner leadership, the vision shrinks and the possibilities diminish. Our relationships become poorer and less nourishing. Everything happens inside, and this is not just a vague spiritual statement. Even if it sometimes sounds like a cliché, it becomes a cliché only when we do nothing with it. The “inside” includes work. The “inside” includes the excessive self criticism that we want to learn to reduce.

This chapter is about daily repetition. Every day it begins anew, the struggle for the freedom that was taken from us throughout life, sometimes with our own indirect consent. People around us have repeatedly taken from us freedom, possibilities, conditions and spaces. They restricted us and collaborated with inner parts of us, especially with that excessive self criticism that cultivated deep readiness within us to believe that we do not deserve real freedom.

What is freedom. Connection to the inner voice and the implementation of its guidance. That is all. That is freedom.

When I am free to be myself, no one can take that from me. And even if someone tries, the self within me will find other ways to exist. But as long as I am not free to be me, it is easy for others to tell me where to go, how to behave, to limit me and decide for me, because I am not connected to the creative inner voice that shows me the right way for my existence. This is what happens when there is excessive self criticism.

This criticism is cultivated around us at a family, educational and social level. It is embedded at a very young age, and that is why we are here. Our teachers taught us to apply exaggerated criticism to ourselves, and they were taught the same. There is no point in blaming them, because they themselves acted within a culture that strongly cultivates self criticism.

In the education system there is almost no place for the teaching of real creativity. There is no space for learning inner freedom. There are no frameworks of guidance into the inner voice. And when we do not practice this, these mechanisms are shut down. Instead, we are taught to think that success is determined by grades, external achievements, status or money. In this way we move further and further away from our inner freedom and from our deep voice, which defines success completely differently: calm, flowing creative expression, connection with the right people, personal abundance, ease, courage, adventurousness, love. This is success.

Who decides my success. If the criteria are external, there is no inner leadership. When there is inner leadership, I am the one who decides. Not the excessive self criticism. Not the external voices that try to judge and classify me.

Every day we begin anew. Every day we need to look for the tools to reduce self criticism, to discover ourselves, to discover the next change, to practice creativity, to practice courage, to challenge what exists, to shake the obvious, to take initiatives, to take risks, to play more, to laugh more, to be more silly.

When we do not do this, the inner space closes. This is a universal principle. If I do not cultivate the good, I will receive something else instead, usually the negative mirror image of the good. There is no neutral state. If I do not open the inner taps of creativity, authenticity and courage, they close and fill with rust.

Therefore, every day we must start again. Maybe through writing, maybe through dancing, maybe through a new initiative, maybe through one more smile at the mirror, maybe by nurturing something we have begun. Certainly through noticing the moments in which we are not kind to ourselves. To stop. To say stop. To say: I do not agree. This is distorted. This is exaggerated. This is not right for me. This is inner bullying. To see it. To refuse.

Beyond that, we need to recognize who are the people who shrink us. Who strengthens our self doubt. Who magnifies our self criticism. Who diminishes our courage. And on the other hand, who are the people in whose presence we feel more hope, more self compassion, more courage, more adventurousness, more willingness to play with life, more comfort.

Every day we have work to do with all this. This is the most important ticket of entrance to the real freedom of a human being. Therefore it is worthwhile to invest in it, to work on it, to find each one their own ways and techniques. Every day another dose of loosening criticism, another new confrontation, because every day we live in a space that constantly cultivates it. We receive its messages all the time, almost at every moment. Almost every kind of communication is spiced, in one way or another, with self criticism that is transmitted from person to person.

Therefore, the inner quiet that we cultivate is a real and deep achievement.

The struggle for freedom continues every day. But we have the inner forces that can bring ways, improvisations and solutions that will help us shake the hegemony of self criticism. And if we have reached this point, chapter 27, and if we have already taken other courses in inner leadership, it is clear that we have progressed.

And every time we answer a question, do an exercise, write another line, take a small initiative, act in a slightly different way, we reduce a little more of the power of excessive self criticism. And as this power weakens, it becomes possible to begin to feel it.

Exercise 27: Answer the five questions

Is this ongoing struggle with your excessive self criticism hard for you?
What happens when you are not alert and your self criticism attacks you without interruption?
Are you willing to live with a daily routine in which each day you face it with a smile and with courage and tell it who is really the boss?
How far are you willing to go in order to fight for your true freedom?
What is the next concrete action you intend to take in order to show yourself that you are serious about this?

Chapter 28: Excessive Self Criticism Is Sometimes Thrown Back At Us Through Other People

This chapter and the next two chapters will deal with different forms of excessive self criticism that are useful to know. As I already mentioned, excessive self criticism has many faces and many methods. Some of them I will be able to clarify here, and some each person will discover on their own, because in every person it appears a bit differently.

In the end, its bottom line is very similar everywhere. It creates the same narrowing effect, the same limiting effect, the same wrapping of reality in a negative and unpleasant experience, both with regard to how we interpret events and with regard to the ways in which we believe we can deal with them. It has many forms, but with time all of them can be recognized, first in retrospect, later also while they are happening, and perhaps even to reach a point where we can tell ourselves in real time: here it begins, and stop it earlier.

One confusing and difficult form of excessive self criticism is that which is reflected back to us through other people. This is a confusing, disturbing and even annoying experience, and it is not always easy to deal with it. We are speaking of unnecessary and excessive criticism that reaches us through other people.

It is important to emphasize: within close relationships, family, friendship and partnership, there is a place for criticism. Sometimes this is a vital role in a relationship. Sometimes it is valuable that someone points something out to us, wakes us up, shows us that we are acting in a way that is not beneficial or not appropriate for the relationship. Such criticism can be a healthy part of the connection. The central question is always how it is said, when it is said, what its tone is, and whether it is spoken from a sincere desire to create dialogue and repair, or whether it is spoken from drama, blame and exaggerated intensity, in a way that mostly generates pain and guilt.

When criticism is not excessive, and it refers in a focused way to something specific within the relationship, it can be helpful. But there is a kind of criticism between people that is not really mutual constructive criticism, but rather a public echo of our own excessive self criticism. The inner criticism has found a way to express itself through the mouths of others.

Different people may make comments about our initiatives, about our dreams, about the way we act. Sometimes these are comments that do not really help us, that we did not ask for, that do not contribute to any real change, and mainly make us feel uncomfortable with ourselves, increase our self doubt and deepen our disappointment with what has not succeeded.

There is also criticism that takes on the character of hostility. Someone criticizes us again and again, and from the moment the conversation starts we already expect a list of comments about what we did not do, did not say, did not go to, did not reduce, did not achieve, and so on. Sometimes they even compare us to others: why are you not like this one, look at that friend, she does it better than you, and similar phrases. All these are experienced as attacks, as an assault on our personality.

This kind of criticism often indicates that our own excessive self criticism has found a messenger. That person may indeed be critical by nature, perhaps judgmental or over rational, perhaps simply not very sensitive. In any case, they become a convenient emissary for our excessive self criticism, which sends its arrows of criticism through them.

There is no point in hating the person themselves, but it is also not right to ignore what is happening. There is no point in running away and withdrawing, but we need to stand up and say “stop”. To say: I am willing to talk, but I am not willing to have this kind of communication. I am not willing to accept criticism that shrinks me, belittles me, or constantly casts doubt on my ability or on my path.

The way to deal with this is not through endless argument about the content, not by trying to justify ourselves and explain again and again why we chose as we did, and not by entering into a drama. The moment that criticism keeps repeating, penetrating our space, shrinking us inside, strengthening doubt and weakening our confidence and joy, it is a form of bullying. Even if the words are said in a polite or “cultured” tone, when they are experienced again and again as a hurt, it is still a form of bullying.

There are also situations where the conversation between friends includes mutual joking, a bit of teasing, but within that there is a sense of respect and balance. As long as both sides feel comfortable, know that they are valued and loved, and the humor does not cross a line and shrink, this can be seen as part of a friendly play. But sometimes even between friends lines are crossed, and we feel this clearly. The line is the place in which it is no longer pleasant.

Sometimes we explicitly ask for it to stop, but it does not stop. This often happens in family relationships. A phone call can become a sequence of repeated criticism: why did you not do, why did you not come, why did you not call, why are you not like this person, why did you not succeed more, and on and on.

Why does this keep happening? Because our excessive self criticism, deep inside, allows it to happen. It seems to identify an apparent “natural partner” outside. There is that background part that believes we are not good enough, and therefore is “ready” to receive such criticism even when it is harmful and unnecessary.

When criticism comes from outside that is not really constructive and does not strengthen the relationship, and we recognize that it shrinks us, belittles us, and casts doubt on our capacity or our growth, we must acknowledge that we let it in and begin to set boundaries. To say in a clear, calm and respectful way: I am not willing to receive this kind of criticism. I am not willing to have a conversation that shrinks me.

If, after we say this clearly, the criticism continues to appear again and again, we need to ask ourselves why we are continuing to maintain a relationship at the same frequency and in the same way with a person who speaks to us like this. Why we agree to remain victims of repeated bullying.

If we are dealing here with reducing excessive self criticism, this is one of its significant forms, because it is already directly connected to our relationship with the world. Our relationships with the world reflect our relationship with ourselves. Other people “attack” us often because inside we ourselves attack ourselves through self criticism.

Therefore, it is our role to say “stop” both inside and outside. Inside, by recognizing the part that tends to agree with the criticism and believe it. Outside, by setting a clear boundary with anyone who allows themselves to criticize us in a restrictive and hurtful way.

There is no need to do this in a dramatic way or from a victim position. We can say it politely, respectfully and stand by it consistently: excuse me, I am not willing to speak like this any more. I am not willing to accept an attitude that shrinks me.

Usually, after a number of times in which the boundary becomes clear and consistent, the pattern begins to change. And if after all this the person continues to speak in such a way, we must seriously consider how to protect ourselves, and to what extent it is right to continue the relationship in the same format.

The most important thing is to protect ourselves from excessive self criticism, in all the forms in which it appears. Excessive self criticism, whether it is heard as an inner voice or through the voices of other people, does not contribute anything but harm. It is possible and desirable to avoid it, and with time to choose anew the way we are willing to speak to ourselves, and the way we are willing for others to speak to us.

Exercise 28: Answer the five questions

How do you feel when people speak to you with unnecessary and exaggerated criticism?
Are there family members, friends or colleagues who tend to speak to you in this way? Have there been such people in the past? Try to describe
What happens to you when it occurs, do you shrink inside, get angry, feel hurt, think they are right, argue, something else?
What will happen when you set a clear and consistent boundary against excessive external criticism?
Can you now see how external criticism is actually a reflection of your own pattern, and how it largely exists because of your inner permission?

Chapter 29: Excessive Self Criticism Also Appears As Pessimism, Skepticism, Cynicism, Addictions, Judging Others And Even Depression

This chapter expands the field of recognizing excessive self criticism and presents additional forms that are worth knowing. These forms accompany us, walk with us, sometimes appear within us and sometimes are directed toward us by others. Many of these forms have become part of cultural norms, and in the end they feed excessive self criticism and diminish our inner leadership.

Ultimately, human society, in an unconscious way, does not always encourage inner leadership. Society, at a collective level, often prefers that people remain “cooperative” with the norms, rather than each person developing inner leadership that is too independent. Therefore, society preserves, without knowing, gestures, behaviors and norms that keep us inside excessive self criticism.

We want to recognize these phenomena, be aware of them, reduce their presence in our lives, and learn to enter into a negotiation with them instead of continuing to let them run us. Our aim is to strengthen inner leadership. And in order for the inner space to be able to develop into inner leadership, it needs freedom. Freedom to listen to the inner voice, and freedom to live it out. This freedom is greatly disturbed by excessive self criticism. That is why it is so important to learn what is presented here, and to become familiar with the different versions of excessive self criticism.

One of the prominent versions is pessimism. On the surface, pessimism sometimes seems logical. Difficult things have happened, so why should good things happen. Pessimism presents itself as a cautious stance, one that does not “take risks”. But in practice, to a large extent, pessimism is about “being on the safe side”. Being on the safe side is exactly what excessive self criticism loves. To preserve what is, not to dare, not to go out into the unknown.

Pessimism seems to provide a logical justification for why not to do, why not to go out, why not to try, why not to dare. It offers an “intelligent” narrative based on past experience, and disguises itself as wisdom and maturity. This is one of the sophisticated disguises of excessive self criticism.

Optimism, on the other hand, is one of the central tools to deal with excessive self criticism. When we create something and step into the unknown, excessive self criticism will ask: why are you doing this if you do not know where it will lead. Optimism answers: I believe this can work. I continue, because there is trust in me.

We do not fight excessive self criticism with proof, but through bringing forward positive energy, through stepping into action, initiative and change, and through consciously recruiting optimism. In many ways it can be said that pessimism is sometimes the result of a lack of practice of optimism. When the light of optimism is not being nourished, the darkness of pessimism fills the space.

Another form is skepticism, which is very similar to pessimism, and also cynicism. In some communities, skepticism and cynicism have almost become an accepted language of “intelligent conversation”. It is a supposedly sophisticated discourse that laughs at innocence, observes from above the attempts of other people, ridicules failures, looks with irony at attempts to change, and adopts a judgmental and condescending tone.

Behind all of this sits fear. The cynical person and the skeptical person are often frightened people. They are afraid to take even a small step beyond their “known and protected” place. They hold on to a position of one who knows, understands, is educated, and looks at the world from the outside, but inside them there is a quiet envy of those who are willing to dare, to create, to change, to try and to fail.

In order to protect the unconscious fear, the skeptical and cynical person develops black humor and turns again and again to criticism, in the service of their own excessive self criticism. In this way, they avoid coming close to the desires that were quiet inside them and never received expression.

In such a world, sometimes the one who is willing to be a “dreamer”, an adventurer, a creator, someone who is willing to try even without any promise of success, becomes a rare figure. This is the person who is not willing to take the cynical narrative for granted, even if people laugh at them. They say to themselves: I want to try, I feel like it.

Another form of excessive self criticism is addictions. We may become stuck in different addictive habits and invest a lot of energy in them. Inside the addiction there is usually also very strong self criticism about the very existence of the addiction. So the person finds themselves investing a great deal of resources, time, attention and energy both in the addiction itself and in the endless criticism of it. All of this is swallowed into one place, instead of being dedicated to living out desires and creative capacity.

For excessive self criticism this is a convenient situation. It “makes sure” to preserve the addiction. A significant part of the addiction is the self condemnation about the addiction itself. The self condemnation and self flagellation keep the person stuck. They do not help them to get out, they strengthen the pain that feeds the addiction.

Another main disguise of excessive self criticism is judging others. When a person keeps saying to themselves: he is not okay, she is not okay, I would never do that, this is not good, this is not enough, this is not smart, this is not serious, they create in their inner world a system of inflated categories in which others are always less, less good, less sophisticated, less creative, less evolved, less understanding.

This judgment comes from fear of really mixing with life, from fear of meeting the imperfect parts in themselves. Out of this fear, the person closes inside a bubble, draws rigid borders between themselves and the world, and prefers to judge and look down on others rather than enter into a living and creative contact. In this way they project their excessive self criticism onto others, instead of seeing that it is living within them.

And finally, depression. This is a partial but significant list, pessimism, skepticism, cynicism, addictions, judgment of others, and sometimes also depression.

Sometimes we find ourselves “stuck” in a low mood, in a sense of ongoing gloom, and we tell ourselves that we have no energy, that there is no point, that we have no strength to initiate, to act, to enjoy or to create. Excessive self criticism “celebrates” in such places. It strengthens the depression, it is an inseparable part of it, because a significant part of depression is the negative language in which the person speaks to themselves.

Here too, certain actions that contradict the patterns of self criticism and set boundaries to it can help a person recruit additional tools, recover more quickly and cope better with a low mood. This, of course, when we are speaking of mild or moderate depression, and not of clinical pathological states that require a different therapeutic response.

The possibility of recognizing that pessimism, skepticism, cynicism, addictions, judging others and sometimes also depression are different expressions of excessive self criticism is a very significant step. When we learn to use tools to reduce it, all of these become less relevant and less necessary.

Anyone who wants to continue holding onto them will be able to do so. But one who chooses the journey of inner leadership no longer needs them to the same extent. They begin to choose anew the way they think, speak and act, and clear more and more space for freedom, for creativity and for a respectful connection to themselves and to others.

Exercise 29: Answer the five questions

Do you recognize the pessimistic and skeptical parts within you, what is your relationship with them?
Do you know the cynical part in you, can you see its connection to your excessive criticism inside, and are you perhaps a little cynical about this very question?
Do you acknowledge that you have addictions and unhelpful habits that are hard for you to release, what is the role of excessive criticism in them?
Are you able to sink into a low mood “in peace” without thinking that something is really wrong with you?
Do you recognize additional forms of your excessive self criticism and would you like to suggest adding them to this list?

Chapter 30: Every Excuse For Avoiding New Initiatives, Creation And Change Is Actually Excessive Self Criticism In Disguise

On the surface, this is the “last” chapter in this process, but it is better to see it only as a milestone along the way, an invitation to return again and again to reading and practicing with this book. It is recommended to do several rounds, so that the change we are talking about here, a change that is very essential for the evolving soul, will be able to grow, expand and gain a real place in your life.

The dialogue between a person and their excessive self criticism is a big task, a life task, and there is infinite room for improvement in it. It is a subject that is well worth placing at the center of attention, even if it is sometimes not easy to do so, especially when there is a genuine aspiration to strengthen inner leadership. This is a central topic in inner leadership, and alongside it there are of course other fields that can develop inner leadership, and can be explored in other books in the Psycho Creative library, such as creativity, compassion, emotional transformation, self love and more.

Here we are dealing with the maintenance of the inner space, in order to turn it into a place that can truly lead the person in a right and beneficial way. To lead, that is, to take them also to places they would not have been able to reach by their usual route, but from which an inner leader can grow and guide them there. This is an essential part of inner leadership.

For this to happen, we need to reduce the forces that interfere with inner leadership, leadership that is based on intuition, on spirituality, on compassion, on creativity and on tools that do not always comply with the rules of ordinary logic. Excessive self criticism tries, in its own way, to force us to remain attached to ordinary logic, not to step beyond it, and therefore it also blocks the development of inner leadership in all its components.

This is where the great importance of awareness to excessive self criticism arises. We must not underestimate its power, we must not play down its impact, and we must not think that we have “finished the story” with it. It is there. It is a force. It symbolizes our fears, our inner darkness, the massive negative influences we have received from all directions and internalized. It also symbolizes the growth work that still awaits us, perhaps more than anything else.

It is good to discover it, it is good to expose it, it is good to get to know it, it is good to talk with it, it is good to confront it, it is good to challenge it, and it is good that from time to time we also win against it. It is good to live a life in which there is conscious connection to self criticism, to give it a name, to define it as excessive, both within ourselves and sometimes in words we say to others. In this way we can operate in relation to it, not be operated by it, and not be pulled into the powerful “trend” that it represents.

Inside that trend many components are hiding, guilt, taking on irrelevant responsibility, a sense of missed opportunities that does not really fit reality, a non essential sense of having missed out, a feeling of lost time, and many other contents that are not truly needed. All of these are drawn together into the place that this chapter is speaking about, every excuse for avoiding new initiatives, creation and change is actually excessive self criticism in disguise.

The meaning is that in the healthy nature of a person, when they are reasonably connected to it, there is inside a place that is buzzing, alive, breathing, pulsing and excited. A place that wants to grow, to create, to change, to influence, to touch, to mix with others, to develop, to expand and to be fulfilled. Deep within there is a creative core that is connected to spirit, to intuition, that is nourished by love and generates love.

This core is alive. It is the foundation of abundance, of joy and of love. It is the divine part in a person, the part that they arrived here with from the Source. The purpose of this inner part is to express itself, realize itself, give of itself, “dance” with the surroundings through its own unique expression. This is healthy nature.

The person is searching for this part again and again in different ways. Many times they also miss it. This is part of the human drama, and there is no point adding excessive self criticism about this, or creating unnecessary guilt. It is important to know that this part exists, and that it has long patience. There is no pressure in it for immediate fulfillment, there is no disappointment in it that we distanced ourselves from it or forgot it. It is always there for us. It is part of us, it is us. There is no separation between us and it, and we cannot truly be separated from it.

What is possible is not to notice its presence, because of difficulties and burdens that we have placed upon ourselves, sometimes without noticing, and because of an excess of self criticism that we got used to living beside, in its shadow and in its light.

When the time comes to summarize, even if only temporarily, this course, we can look straight at the bottom line. There is within us a wonderful inner engine, divine, sophisticated, ingenious and creative, that deeply understands what love is, and that comes from a source of love, of creation, of renewal and of change. It is there.

Every time we construct within ourselves, sometimes in a very sophisticated way, an excuse for avoiding new initiatives, creation and change, we are essentially walking along the path that excessive self criticism has paved for us. It manages to convince us with a detailed and persuasive inner story about why it is impossible, why this is not the time, why it will not succeed, why it is not good enough, why it is not working in the way it is “supposed” to work.

These are different forms of negative feedback that we produce for ourselves, and in the end they cause us not to listen to that inner engine and not to act in collaboration with it. This engine speaks to us through a clean desire. It calls us to see how important it is for us, for our health and for our relationships, to listen to this desire, to believe it, to take brave initiatives in its service, to hold with love and understanding what we tend to define as failures in living it out, and to continue to remain in contact with it, in dialogue, in listening and in trial and error.

The personality, who I am, with all my ego, my repressions, my denials, my scars and my karma, was built here, in this lifetime, at this time. This personality can do the work of improving the connection with that inner engine. It can, but it needs to choose this. When it chooses it, it is important that it recognize that every inner excuse that prevents new initiatives, creation and change is actually excessive self criticism in disguise. It is a kind of lie. It is not true. It does not represent what is really there.

This does not mean that at every single moment a person “must” be in renewal, creativity and change. There are periods of rest, of pause, of soaking, of waiting, of observation. All of these are part of the journey. There is no need to be constantly in action. It is possible to be in the “in between” and still be aware that in this period there is inner organizing, rest, refueling and inner nourishment in preparation for what will come next.

Awareness is especially important in the moments in which we pile up on ourselves many excuses, there is no time, there are no resources, there is no knowledge, there is no talent, there are no suitable people, there are no suitable conditions, there is no suitable country, and countless other explanations. Very often, underneath all of these sits fear, fear of taking the step, of going into the adventure, of stepping into the unknown, of approaching the fulfillment of the pleasure in creating, in initiating and in changing.

The source of the fear can be the subject of another course. What matters here is that excessive self criticism is nourished by this fear and uses it to preserve the existing situation. It is possible to begin dissolving this fear through actions that reduce the criticism, that set boundaries for it, even without fully understanding the source of the fear.

Deep fears do not have to be treated only through understanding, but through the right response, through reducing criticism, through initiative, through renewal, through creation, through change, through surprises. Through recognizing that we are allowed to fail, to make mistakes, to do “stupid things”. We are allowed to live.

And to live does not mean living according to rigid standards, but to taste, to experiment, to discover, to step into adventure and to learn from it. In order to live this way, we need to learn how to reduce excessive self criticism. It is indeed part of life, but it is the part that challenges our experience of life and invites us to come and stand in front of it, to work with it, to place boundaries around it and sometimes also to bypass it.

Thank you very much for being here.

Exercise 30: Answer the five questions

What is the most tempting, exciting and thrilling change initiative that is still sitting in your “drawer” for one reason or another?
What are the main excuses you tell yourself for not realizing this initiative?
What is the “practical logic” that reinforces these excuses and makes you feel “right” about delaying this realization?
Is the thought of finding a new way to bring this fantasy into life pleasant to you, frightening, or both, describe?
Is it possible to fulfill this dream in a slightly different way for now, or to take even one small step toward it for now, so that it will not remain completely in the drawer?

Reducing Inner-Critic’s Influence

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Reducing Inner-Critic’s Influence

Dr. Pinkie Feinstein

Chapter 1: Expanded Awareness of Excessive Self-Criticism – A Key to Change

Chapter 2: Excessive Self-Criticism Creates a Repeated Experience of Dissatisfaction

Chapter 3: The Many Faces of Excessive Self-Criticism

Chapter 4: The Paradox of the “Correction” That Does Not Correct

Chapter 5: The Aim to Reduce, Limit, and Prevent Authentic Creative Expression

Chapter 6: Addiction to Excessive Self-Criticism and to Dissatisfaction

Chapter 7: An Aggressive Force We Struggle With

Chapter 8: What Does a Person Fear Without Being Aware of It?

Chapter 9: Notice, Recognize, Feel, Then Refuse, Firmly

Chapter 10: The Influence of ESC (Excessive Self-Criticism) Always Involves Fear

Chapter 11: Why Do We Need Fears That Never Go Away

Chapter 12: The Fear of Full Freedom

Chapter 13: The Fear of Losing Control

Chapter 14: The Need to Avoid Seeing Spaces That Are Too Large

Chapter 15: Losing One’s Identity Within the Crowd

Chapter 16: The Fear of Being Alone With My Truth

Chapter 17: The Fear That Others Will Discover What Is Quietly Unfolding Inside Me

Chapter 18: Self-Criticism and the Superego

Answer the following five questions:

Chapter 19: Being a Shamed, Scolded and “Not OK” Child (Also a kind of belonging…)

Answer the following five questions:

Chapter 20: Why Do We Need Punishments?

Answer the following five questions:

Chapter 21: Excessive Self Criticism Creates a Hostile Inner Courtroom

Chapter 22: There Is No Real Option to Escape the Guilt and the Sentence

Chapter 23: Why Do We Need to Be Guilty?

Chapter 24: The Unconscious Tool That Prevents Greater Freedom

Chapter 25: This Is Not How We Deal With Pains That Need Attention

Chapter 26: Freedom From Self Criticism May Be The Greatest Freedom A Person Can Ask For

Chapter 27: Every Day It Begins Anew, The Ongoing Struggle For The Freedom That Was Somewhat Taken From Us

Chapter 28: Excessive Self Criticism Is Sometimes Thrown Back At Us Through Other People

Chapter 29: Excessive Self Criticism Also Appears As Pessimism, Skepticism, Cynicism, Addictions, Judging Others And Even Depression

Chapter 30: Every Excuse For Avoiding New Initiatives, Creation And Change Is Actually Excessive Self Criticism In Disguise

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